


On a Clear Night

by professor_riddikulus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Eventual Smut, I have no idea where this is going, M/M, My First Fanfic, Romance, it is going somewhere, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 23:49:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10582008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professor_riddikulus/pseuds/professor_riddikulus
Summary: What if Snape had never found his way to the Shrieking Shack in Harry's third year? What if Peter hadn't escaped? Peter is going to trial, Harry is moving in with his fantastic, ex-con of a godfather, and Remus and Sirius need to find a way to build a bridge over twelve years of misunderstanding and misplaced hatred.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously I own nothing. Do be gentle with me, this is my first ever story and I'm intending for it to unfold as I go. While the story will undoubtedly be quite Remus-centered, he isn't going to be the only POV. I'll be working to update as frequently as possible but life tends to get in the way. In any case, this is set at the end of Harry's third year and moving forward from there. Please enjoy!

He hadn't believed it when he saw the name on the map. Remus was used to rationalizing things - people's fear of werewolves (after all he was afraid of the one that bit him), his reluctance to talk to Harry about his parents (he didn't want to traumatize the boy further), his celibacy (it would be better if people didn't get involved, they'd just run at the first full moon). That night was no different. The name, scrawled in his own handwriting, had knocked the wind out of him when he saw it, his heart racing a million miles a minute. Peter Pettigrew.

The map was nearly twenty years old, it must be starting to malfunction, must be displaying old names. Perfect. Rationalization achieved. Problem solved. But then another name: Sirius Black. And if Peter's name had confused him, Sirius' crystallized everything. He stuffed the map into the pocket of his fraying corduroy jacket and bolted for the whomping willow. Maybe, just maybe, Sirius was innocent. Maybe he'd been wrong.

And the next thing he knew he was standing in the Shrieking Shack and Sirius was there and they fell into each other's arms as if it hadn't been thirteen years. And Sirius smelled like shit and dirt and rat and a thousand other terrible prison smells that even Remus' heightened sense of smell couldn't identify but underneath that he smelled...familiar. Like that combo of clove, firewhiskey, and warm fur that was undeniably Sirius. Remus swore his heart would explode in that instant, surely it had grown too large for his slim chest to contain it. A hundred different emotions ran through him at once, each following and reversing the last so quickly he didn't have time to even register a concrete impression of any of them. He had dreamed of holding Sirius again, but he had never imagined how much it would ache.

The embrace lasted blissful seconds but before he realized he had done it, Remus had suddenly pulled away - he hadn't wanted to smell the familiar scent of his best friend, his...oh god...he hadn't wanted to smell Sirius anymore. And he rationalized this by remembering they still had the rat to deal with, that Harry deserved an explanation for why his mentor, his professor was hugging an ex-con that had supposedly murdered his parents, that this was not the time for whatever reunion he and Sirius might have. Maybe that was how he rationalized it, but there was a part of Remus, a gnawing, terrifying part of him that smelled Sirius and thought: murderer.

Remus hadn't protested when Sirius had beat Peter to within an inch of his life, but when the fourth or fifth punch had broken Peter's nose, he had turned away from the blood and the fury in Sirius' eyes. Murderer murderer murderer.

"Stop." Harry's bright green eyes were wide, his voice quiet, but Sirius stopped instantly and some of the wild, feral animal had drained from his face. "Stop Sirius."

Hermione was crying, Ron had his arm around her comfortingly and he used her shoulders to adjust and take the weight off his broken leg.

Remus realized he should have said something. He should have been the one to tell Sirius that enough was enough. But he wanted Peter to die, didn't he? He wanted to see someone brought to justice for the murder of his friends. And now that it wasn't...now that he knew the truth, Peter deserved to die didn't he? What kind of example was he? Some professor.

"You're going to kill him Sirius." Harry spanned the difference in three steps and held his godfather's bloody fist, "It's enough now. It's enough."

Sirius let Harry pull him off Peter, looking stunned at the mess he had made of the man's face, then he looked at Harry as if he'd just seen him for the first time.

"Thank you." His voice was hoarse, Remus could hear the pain in it. He stared at the splintering floorboards beneath his feet as if memorizing each flow and branching of the grain in the wood there would inoculate him against the terror and grief that battled each other within him in equal measure.

Peter was out cold, Remus made sure before he conjured the bonds around the portly traitor all while trying to avoid looking at Sirius. He sent a Patronus to Dumbledore so they'd be expected, so that someone would intercept them before they got to the dementors.

They made it back to the castle minutes before moonrise, just in time for Remus to find Snape and down his potion in one gulp. Snape droned on a bit at him about the dangers of being so irresponsible with his "contemptible condition". Remus tried not to lose it. It wouldn't do to explode in fury or devolve into tears in front of a potion master who already considered him a weakling. He wandered back to his rooms, knowing that the wolf was coming upon him at any moment. It always made him feel queasy, cutting it this close to the moon, as if he were standing on a swaying ship. This time, it was more as if the world had decided that gravity were no longer relevant. He couldn't seem to get his footing. The last fully human thought in his head was of Sirius, who was probably still speaking with Dumbledore, and the hurt in his eyes when Remus had pulled away.

* * *

Remus had packed his bags so many times that he knew exactly what fit where. His extra pair of shoes in the front compartment, the books on herbology, magical creatures, and advanced theory of arithmancy fit on the right side between the portable wizarding wireless and a small, wooden box of letters with "P + M" stamped on them. This smaller box hadn't been unpacked in 10 years, it anchored the rest of Remus' things into their place, and he tried to ignore the glare of the initials.

"My dear Remus," Dumbledore's blue eyes had seemed too earnest as he placed a wrinkled hand on Remus' shoulder, "No one has asked you to resign. There's no need for such drastic measures."

Remus felt resentment boil up inside him, a hot, corrosive churn in his blood that tired him even more than the transformation had. He took a breath and shrugged off the hand. "I appreciate the sentiment of course, but I'm not a fool Albus. Let me lose this with some dignity."

Albus smiled sadly. Remus had the sudden urge to rip the expression from his face. What right did the old man have to pity him? "Tonight perhaps we can celebrate what you have gained, even if you are determined to leave the school."

Remus had managed a weak smile because the headmaster expected it of him. Immediately after he left the headmaster's office he cringed. He was still smiling for other people instead of for himself, he promised himself he wouldn't do this anymore. And yet, it was just easier, easier to hide his anger from Dumbledore, to simply go before the letters arrived from angry parents, easier to run from Harry who looked so much like James. When he was alone, even if it was scrounging money for a Muggle hotel or sleeping in some empty shed, he never had to smile to make someone else comfortable. He didn't even blame Snape for telling the Slytherins about Remus - he knew Snape would retaliate against Remus for Sirius' innocence. Snape always picked on him, he was the easy target. He suspected that though Snape would deny it, he was slightly afraid of Sirius. Afraid and jealous of the long family lineage, the purebloods status, and angry at the ease with which Sirius had thrown it all away. He expected that sort of behavior from Snape. He hadn't expected the damned headmaster to send Harry to convince him to stay. That was underhanded.

The boy arrived looking confused and windswept, a mixture of emotions that Remus had seen on James' face so many times it was difficult to count. Somehow those Potter genes conspired to make both father and son look perpetually like they'd just survived a hurricane. They even had similar glasses. Seeing him was a little like looking at an old photo you forgot you'd taken - as much as the warm breath of nostalgia would creep in at the sight of it there was always a bit of doubt, a feeling as if it had been another world, or another life, one that you couldn't claim, at least not anymore.

"You can't be leaving?" Harry's voice was tired, to be up this early he couldn't have gotten more than a few hours of sleep.

"I'm afraid so, Harry. There are a few particularly sharp and pointed objections I imagine parents will have when they find out about my condition." He sighed at the look of defiance that greeted this statement, "I was prepared for this eventuality. People like me...we're often quite...mobile."

"Just because you're a werewolf?"

"Well, it is contagious, they don't want to risk-" he stopped suddenly realizing that he was defending the people that would oust him, defending their bigotry. He didn't want to teach Harry that, James wouldn't have approved.

"That's completely mental. You're not going to bite anyone or...or hurt them or something!"

"Well Dumbledore has a school to run and he has already risked quite a bit on my behalf. This may be difficult to understand, Harry but trust me it is for the best."

Harry looked puzzled, but he didn't say anything else for a moment. Instead he peered around the half-packed room and his eyes lingered on a framed photograph. In it, three boys not much older than Harry were smiling furiously up at the camera from the snow-covered Hogwarts grounds, playfully punching one another and generally looking as if they were having the pink-cheeked time of their lives. Peter's eyes were shining in it as if he had never imagined life could be so full of joy and James was at the far right, one arm around a reluctantly laughing younger version of himself (he always wondered why he ever thought that haircut was a good idea). James' other arm reached out of the photo, seemingly around another boy's shoulders. You could see just the edge of his shoulders, where he would have been had the photo not been not-so-skillfully cut apart.

Harry scowled at it a bit and Remus turned his attention back to sorting through the remainder of his books. It was silent for a few moments.

"Where are you going to go?" Harry's voice was calmer, not so defiant.

"Most likely here and there." Remus tried to sound nonchalant but it came out a bit forced.

"But what about Sirius?"

Remus froze.

"What about him?" He said, perhaps too sharply.

"I mean...they're going to free him...with a full apology from the Ministry. At least that's what Dumbledore said. I thought you were friends."

Remus turned away from Harry under the pretense of folding his shirts but he gripped the edge of the wardrobe hard to keep his voice steady. "We were, yes."

"And now?"

"Now," Remus chastised him, "Now you must give your former professor space to pack, I'd like to be off the grounds before lunch today. But," he pulled the Marauder's Map from a drawer and turned to hand it to Harry, "I believe that you will make better use of this than I could."

Harry looked as if he were going to say something else, but he merely took the map.

"It has been more than a pleasure teaching you Harry, I am glad to have gotten to know you. I knew James and Lily as well as anyone and you are without a doubt, everything they would have wanted in a son."

Harry stared at the ground.

"If there is anything you need, I will always be there for you, whether I am here at Hogwarts or elsewhere. I should have been there long ago, for that I am sorry."

"I don't want you to leave." Harry muttered this to the floor.

Remus smiled, for real this time. "Hedwig will know where to find me." And he hugged Harry, ruffled his hands through that stupidly untidy hair of his, and ushered the boy out of his office.

Twenty minutes later, without another goodbye, he flew from the grounds, destination uncertain.

* * *

And Hedwig did know how to find him. Remus sighed as the great snowy owl tapped her beak insistently on one of the windows of the small cottage. He hurried to let the bird in, it wouldn't do to let his Muggle neighbors catch sight of her, even if there was a field between the two houses. Their youngest daughter was perpetually ending up at the creek that ran near the cottage and she'd surely notice the bird.

Remus had been in Iceland for almost two months. Luckily, Dumbledore had set him up with a larger-than average final paycheck. This meant that if he was frugal (and he didn't know how to be any other way) the little leaky cottage that the Muggle who rented it to him had called "unfit for winter" would be perfect. It merely took a few small construction spells to fix the rotted wood and the holes in the roof. He had sealed the hearth and now a fire was crackling happily there, filling the dwelling with the heavy smell of wet wood. He loved Iceland, if he was entirely honest. Out away from the paved roads and swarms of tourists of Reykjavik the landscape didn't pretend to be anything other than rugged, challenging, and cold. The land itself was practical, nothing grew in excess or without need, no energy went unconserved. And the people, his distant neighbors, were kind and warm. The opposite of the frozen landscape. They seemed almost happy to trudge the mile or so between them to share fresh baked sweet rolls and to receive a bottle of wine in return. They were astounded at the difference he had made in the cottage, promising him all kinds of repair work in the spring.

It would be a few months until then. The landscape was not yet covered in a permanent blanket of snow but the heavy skies threatened it with each passing day. These days of biting late-autumn cold, when the chill felt like needles on any exposed skin he was glad of apparition. He could still turn on the spot and find himself in a cozy cafe in Reykjavik, gather supplies and be home before he froze solid.

Hedwig ruffled her feathers, shaking off ice from the wind that must have settled there during her flight. Remus took the letter from Harry, and she swooped gracefully to sit next to the fire with a small contented chirp. Apparently she wasn't planning to leave until he had penned a reply.

Remus turned the letter over in his hands and broke the seal, pulling the thick heavy parchment out with a small smile. This was what he truly missed most about teaching at Hogwarts, being with Harry. It was as if some piece of James remained, like the echo of a laugh, even if he realized that in many ways Harry was nothing like his cocky trouble-making father. But then he took in the first few lines of the letter, and realized Harry hadn't written to him after all.

_Dear Moony,_

_Hi. I waited a couple months to hear from you, but its pretty clear at this point that you're not going to make the first move. I'd make a joke here about how you always liked to be chased but I think you might not be in the mood? I bet you're looking all disapproving and Moony-ish right now. I was right, wasn't I?_

_Harry told me about you leaving the school, Dumbledore told me as well. He was quite put out about it, I think the old bat is just lazy, doesn't want to find a replacement. I wish you would have told me yourself. We didn't get a chance to speak at all, you were gone before I got away from Fudge. Can you believe that? A pardon from the Minister of Magic himself! My mother would be so proud. Actually I can tell you for sure she is not, Harry and I are living in Grimmauld Place again so I have to listen to her fucking portrait screaming about my traitorous nature anytime I want a bite in the kitchen. Not that I'll let anything get between me and food, but it is a bit unappetizing. It's just a temporary thing, until I can find a decent job and get us a bachelor flat somewhere less...covered in house elf heads and spiderwebs. You'd think it was the damn Taj Majal the way that Harry talks about it though. I gather those Muggles treated him like utter shit but he doesn't like to talk about it much. I'm crap at this sort of thing, mostly because I just want to rage every time I think about it, but I guess we're managing._

_Where are you? Are you coming back for Worm's trial?_

_I don't know if I should say anything about - I am so crap with feelings Moons, just write me back okay? It has been 12 years of us not talking, now I don't even know what the fuck to say but I'm bursting to say fucking something. Anything. Where are you? Why did you go?_

_-Padfoot_

_P.S. Don't even think about not replying, Hedwig will make your life miserable_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few things to say about this update - I've chosen to make this chapter a series of two flashbacks. When we last left Moony and Padfoot, Moony was isolated in Iceland and Sirius had taken Harry in and was attempting to contact Remus. With so much tension and angst I wanted to show how they fell in love in the first place. I'll be periodically uploading flashback chapters as the story calls for them. Secondly, my headcanon Remus is Irish because it's adorable, which is why he spent his summer in Dublin. Once again, I own nothing! Please enjoy!

_ Spring 1977 _

Remus blinked, staring up through the fluttering green canopy above him, shafts of sunlight and glimpses of clear blue sky dancing down between the leaves. He was lounging in the grass on a hill above the Black Lake, an oak tree shading him from the sunny spring afternoon. A breeze was blowing off the lake, the sweet bright air of early spring scented with the very earthy, woody scent of new growth. He breathed deeply, letting the warmth of the sun dapple down on his scarred face. Remus was sixteen, carefree, starting to truly grow into his limbs and fill out in the shoulders, his sandy hair lying in casual disarray in the long grass underneath him. It was the golden week of the month, two weeks before the full moon, when he had recovered from the last transition but was not yet antsy and irritable before the next.

He had never thought he would be this lucky. Three friends who risked imprisonment in Azkaban to keep him company on his worst nights, who supported him, laughed with him...loved him despite his furry little problem. And hey he hadn't done so terribly when it came to OWLs either. Perhaps his future was brighter than he'd imagined it would be. He closed his eyes again, reveling in the silence, the sound of the breeze and the slow lap of the lake against the shore below Remus' hill the only disruption.

Suddenly the calm was broken by a flurry of thuds on the soft ground and before Remus could even open his eyes a huge fluffy weight had fallen, hard, on his chest, knocking the wind from his lungs and leaving him gasping. His eyes snapped open and he was confronted with a mass of black fur and a drooling, wild-eyed animagus-form Sirius Black.

"MERLIN are you absolutely fucking mad?" Remus choked out, still trying to catch his breath while the giant dog looked perfectly happy to sit on his chest, "Get off Pads! You're heavy!"

Sirius took his time, rolling off Remus and looking delighted with himself. His tongue lolled out of his mouth as he panted into the grass."It's the middle of the damn day, you're going to get caught!" Remus spit at him, but he followed the pronouncement with a small huff and rubbed the huge dog's neck. "I'm assuming you're done with McGonagall's exam? And James is still in there?"

The dog said nothing, merely continued looking pleased and rolled onto his back so that Remus could scratch his belly. "I saw you cheating off me you know." The dog whined a bit and Remus turned on his side to face him, "You had plenty of time to study, don't give me those sad puppy eyes. Any honestly you really shouldn't be running around grounds as Padfoot. Someone is going to come ask me what I'm doing bringing a dog on grounds. And I was having quite a good day without having to lie for you for once."

He was mostly resigned to having to cover up for Sirius, though that work wasn't always as appreciated as it should be. Sirius had taken him for granted before, the same boyish charm and overconfidence could turn, with startling ease, to selfishness if left unchecked. He supposed this was the legacy of growing up a Black, though Sirius liked to pretend that he'd completely shed any effect of his upbringing. He thought for a moment about last year, what Sirius had done to him, to Snape, and he found that after half a year of anger and fighting and reconciliation and fighting again that he had finally really put those feelings behind them. Remus was not forgiving when he was angry, but Sirius was nothing if not persistent and somehow he'd wiggled his way back into Remus' good graces. Hopefully as a reformed version of his idiotic self. He ran his hand through the soft thick dog hair behind Padfoot's ears grinning back at the slightly vacant but otherwise blissful expression on the dog's face.

And then Sirius transformed back without warning and Remus found himself in the awkward position of having a hand threaded through Sirius' long black hair, the boy, like the dog before him, less than half a meter from him and wearing a huge grin. Remus was momentarily stunned as he stared into Sirius' deep dark eyes, overwhelmed with the spicy clove scent of him and the tangible presence of being so close to him that he could feel the warmth of his body. His every sense seemed to shudder, to absorb what felt like a painful electric shock that traveled from his hand on Sirius' neck up his arm and into his suddenly heavy chest. It was impossible to breathe, and yet he couldn't breathe in enough of the other boy. Something had shifted, the world had spun and returned to him upside down and yet not more than a few seconds had passed. But perhaps he lingered there just a moment too long, his hand intimately wrapped in Sirius' soft hair, because Sirius' grin faltered, his eyes darting back and forth across Remus' face. He looked confused, but not upset, just merely taken aback, as if he'd never seen Remus before and didn't know quite how he got there.

"OI MY CANINE COMPANIONS!" James called from behind Remus, and Sirius snapped back to consciousness, pulling away from Remus to what seemed a respectable distance. Remus' hand, untangled from Sirius' hair seemed suddenly cold, foreign, as if he no longer had sensation in it. Remus turned to look at James, hair wild, robes billowing, stomping through the grass towards them. Peter followed behind, distractedly flipping through their Transfiguration textbook. Sirius sat up quickly, brushing his hair back and replacing his grin.

Remus looked at Sirius, flush with excitement and maybe embarrassment, his bark-like laugh ever ready to answer one of James' dumb jokes and realized in that moment in a rush of emotion that was like the wave of a tsunami crashing down upon that he was totally, completely, and irreparably in love with Sirius Black.

* * *

_ Fall 1977 _

Sirius allowed himself to be hugged one more time by Mrs. Potter - though he loved and appreciated the woman, he'd never been very comfortable with the sort of overly touchy expressions of affection that passed for normal at the Potter house. Literally it was like the whole family was always hugging one another. Sirius supposed this was what a normal family was like. After all, James never stopped throwing arms around his friend's' shoulders or punching them playfully, always wanted to throw his legs over yours on the common room couch or some other touchy-feely nonsense. He realized that this was normal, people expressed themselves this way. It was one thing with James, they were best mates. But with his parents, even though they'd taken him in, it still felt strange. Mrs. Potter kissed his cheek then wiped away the lipstick as James rolled his eyes aggressively, his frankly un-fucking-believable Head Boy badge pinned to his chest.

"Mum you're smothering let him go! We've got a train to catch," he turned to Sirius, "And girls to impress!"

Mrs. Potter looked softly disapproving at this, "You keep out of trouble James, I don't want any more Howlers this year." But she said it without much conviction, as if even Mrs. Potter didn't believe there was any possibility her son could keep his twitchy energy from causing mayhem. After all, she had raised him.

"Thanks for letting me stay Mrs. Potter. Give my regards to Mr. Potter." Sirius flashed his most charming smile at her then let himself be dragged by James towards the train.

"I don't know why you're in such a bloody hurry. She's not going to expire if you're not there immediately." Sirius complained loudly, but James was already talking over him.

"And this year, Sirius bruv, this year is going to be different I can just feel it. The spark of romance is in the air." His eyes were manic as he said this, he looked completely mental but Sirius didn't bother pointing this out.

"Oh? Yeah? She's finally going to stop calling you a flobberworm? Or is she suddenly just going to be attracted to large mucusy invertebrates?"

"Piss off. We're going to be spending all this time together, doing...duties together."

Sirius snickered.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN"

"Prongs, mate, maybe the reason she doesn't like you is because your idea of romance is to visit the toilet together. That would definitely be a turnoff for me."

"Good thing I'm not trying to date your furry arse then isn't it you absolute shit?"

"There you go again with the potty mouth."

"Oh has he started already?" Remus had just come around the corner of one of the columns, pushing his shabby trunk and looking significantly taller than Sirius remembered. His hair was cut differently too, he'd done away with the shaggy bangs that covered a good deal of his face. This had the effect of calling more attention to the few scars that were slashed across his neck and left cheek but it also meant that Sirius could see his storm cloud grey eyes better. He looked, well, he looked really good.

"You know I never stop Moony." James looked at Sirius, then when the silence stretched for a moment too long, "So? Good summer? Have any adventures without us?"

"Oh you know, got into a bit of trouble running the dirty streets of Dublin. Nothing I couldn't handle."

Sirius laughed, "You spent the whole summer reading, didn't you?"

Remus opened his mouth to respond but James twitchily interjected "OKAY BUT GET ON THE TRAIN NOW CAUSE LILY."

Remus laughed, "Okay Prongs we know you need your daily verbal abuse."

"No he just needs to take a shit so he has to find her."

But once they got on the train it did seem that James had to go find Lily for a legitimate reason, as Head Boy he was supposed to help her welcome and organize the activities of the prefects. Peter had scurried off to speak with the lunch trolley lady, who he swore hadn't given him proper change for his licorice wands and Sirius and Remus were left alone in the compartment together as the London sprawl gave way to more and more green on the journey north.

They shared a few pumpkin pasties, enjoyed speculating how long it would take Lily to actually murder James, and whether the trolley lady had taken Peter on as his new apprentice and he would live out the rest of his life learning the proper way to yell "Anything off the trolley?" When the window started to gather condensation from the cold and they had most definitely entered Scotland, Remus suggested that they change into their Hogwarts robes and the boys stripped down to put on their uniforms.

Sirius tried not to watch Remus, he'd seen the other boy mostly naked a hundred thousand times before, he'd also seen more of James and Peter than he ever needed to, these were the hazards of sharing a dorm with the same jokers for six years. But for some reason he couldn't quite put his finger on, Sirius suddenly felt like he shouldn't be looking at Remus while he was changing. And Sirius had never been one to look away from a naked body, there were plenty of girls in his year could attest to this. And actually, if you took into account that one time that they'd broken into the girls changing room in the Quidditch stadium, Sirius had seen a lot of naked bodies over the course of his tenure at Hogwarts. Nothing interesting or embarrassing about it.

But this was different. Sirius was keenly aware, even as he tried not to look, of the smallest of Remus' movements. The way he laid out his uniform before undressing, to make sure that he had everything he needed. How he pulled the t-shirt, which was just a bit too tight in the shoulders now that Remus had filled out over the summer, over his head in one languid movement, more as if he were stretching than taking off an article of clothing. Sirius fumbled with the zip on his hoodie and scrambled out of his own t-shirt. Then he realized that he was staring, whether intentionally or not, at Remus' chest.

The muscles around his collar were way more defined than Sirius remembered, wiry but strong. Sirius swallowed hard. What the hell was going on? This was Remus. His friend, his ally, a partner in crime. But the feeling gathering in the pit of his stomach (and if he was honest, somewhere a bit lower as well), was protesting loudly that things had changed. Remus was...well he was kind of hot.

"What are you looking at fleabag?" Remus joked but Sirius noticed he sounded a bit nervous. The question broke him from his staring at Remus' collarbone and snapped his head up. Remus had his Hogwarts shirt on but hadn't buttoned it yet and his hand went instinctively up to cover a fresh, bright red and purple scar that was slashed across his left pec. "You know it isn't polite to stare."

Sirius looked at the scar and felt irrationally angry. He imagined that the wound would have been deep, probably painful for days as the skin stitched itself back together. He remembered the other times that Remus had clawed at himself, and Madame Pomphrey could only do so much on the wounds inflicted by a magical creature like the wolf. Sirius reached out a hand and delicately touched Remus chest where the scar was - he didn't think about the gesture he just reacted. Remus flinched away violently.

"What the fuck Sirius?!" His face was twisted, betrayed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Sirius was red, embarrassed. Remus didn't say anything he just stared with hard eyes at Sirius, the same eyes he had given Sirius for half a year after the Snivellus incident. He had to explain and quickly before Remus' slumbering temper woke up any more. He was slow to anger but when he got mad it took a long time to placate him.

"I'm sorry Moony I...I don't know what I was thinking. I just can't fucking deal with the idea of you hurting yourself like that." He looked down at the floor, Remus' look softened a bit, unseen by Sirius, "I sometimes forget ...you're all alone in the summer without anyone to protect you."

"I have my parents Sirius. And I can take care of myself you know. Don't treat me like a child."

"I know! But you shouldn't have to!" He was defiant now, "We promised we'd always be there for you. I promised. I'm gonna always look after you…" he trailed off thinking hard, "You never think you're worth it but you are." He turned away, going back to pulling on his own robes even though he could feel the other boy's eyes on him. And as he dressed he thought about how he'd like to kiss Remus' collar, how fiercely he wanted to protect him, how weird it was that a summer had changed everything. Sirius wanted to turn and tell him that his chest felt tight and his head was swimming. Tell him that he was beautiful and that Sirius had never seen him properly before now. But they dressed in silence and then Remus excused himself to the toilet to escape the heavy tension in the air.

And somewhere near Edinburgh Sirius realized that things were always going to be different between them now, even if his affection weren't returned. He realized that he would give anything for Remus, not as he would for any of his friends, but as something more. He realized he was totally, completely, and irreparably in love with Remus Lupin.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to our main storyline! In the first chapter we found out Remus has been in Iceland since he left Hogwarts, now we get to find out how things have been going with Harry and Sirius. A huge thanks to [elanev91](http://archiveofourown.org/users/elanev91/pseuds/elanev91) who literally is Sirius Black and always tells me that my writing is not terrible. As always, I own nothing but my love for these characters.

It was blissful, walking out of the Dursleys' house for the last time, trailing his trunk behind him, Sirius' thin and tattooed arm around his shoulder. He was laughing and Harry was laughing and the sun had peeked out from behind the grey English clouds - Harry thought he'd never felt more alive. The very air in his lungs felt fresher, the sun felt warmer, he even thought that he felt taller. Although, considering the rate he was growing that could be possible. He could have cast a thousand Patronuses, enough silver stags to fill the Great Hall.

Harry couldn't see the disrepair and damp of Grimmauld Place. Sure it was a bit spooky, and he had been surprised to say the least at the type of wizards Sirius' family had seemed to be, but on the other hand the house was theirs. It was a big, old, comfortable house that he could share with his real family. Not those relatives that tried to beat the magic out of a child, or enslaved a pre-teen, or only ever told him how worthless he is. Sirius was delighted by everything he did, every story, every terrible joke, every preference and interest. He wanted to know everything about Harry, to support him and teach him about the wizarding world. He wanted to hear every terrible thing Snape had done as a teacher and thoroughly enjoyed joining in Harry's vocal dislike for him. He had so many stories to tell him and Harry hung on every word.

After a week at Grimmauld Place, Sirius arrived in the kitchen with his arms full of cleaning supplies. His head was barely peeking over the gloves, sponges, buckets, paint rollers and various other objects, grinning maniacally. Harry eyed the pile suspiciously.

"What's all that for?"

"Don't you think it's time we make this place smell less like Slytherin's balls? I mean, I hope at some point we can get a place that wasn't owned by my parents but in the meantime we should get to work, yeah?"

And they had. They set to work clearing the house through magic and elbow grease, the wizarding wireless blaring away all the while. Cleaning with Sirius was not like cleaning up at the Dursleys'. It was filled with laughter, in fact everything that Sirius did seemed to be announced with booming barks that cut the air and reverberated off the walls. Harry wondered if the dog had influenced him, or him the dog. They teased each other, throwing garbage out by the bagful, Sirius with his hair up in a ponytail, Harry having to pull his glasses off time after time to wipe the dust and grime off them.

Together they cleared out the house enough to invite the Weasleys over. Harry wanted Ron to come stay but Mrs. Weasley didn't yet seem keen on letting her youngest son spend too much time alone with Sirius, who in her mind might be innocent, but had certainly spent a lot of time in a place that could have unhinged him. Sirius tried not to show how much this bothered him, "She knows I'm dangerously charming," he had said, the smile not quite reaching his eyes, "she probably doesn't want Ron picking up any of my prodigious talents for trouble. Though based on what you've said I think Fred and George could have given your dad and I a run for our money." But Harry was starting to recognize the moments where Sirius' laugh was used more to distract from the faraway look in his eyes than to express some genuine joy. If he hadn't been so used to reading the expressions of his uncle as a survival skill, he never would have noticed it. Still, he reasoned, the man had spent twelve years amongst the worst creatures Harry could imagine. Certainly it would all take time. And they had plenty of time.

It was two months into their residence at Grimmauld place that Sirius sleepily trudged into the kitchen and set the kettle on, scratching his bed head. He looked miserable. There were red and purple rings under his bloodshot eyes and he moved as if he were in a daze. Harry sat at the long wooden kitchen table, working on a summer assignment in a halfhearted way and nibbling on his fifth piece of toast. That was one of the many perks of living with Sirius, he could actually eat whatever he liked over the summer as well as at Hogwarts. Harry checked the clock. It was 10:45am. Sirius was a late sleeper but this was worse than usual.

"You look terrible."

Sirius turned away from the stove, "Oh gee, thanks kid."

"Didn't sleep?"

Sirius nodded in a sort of noncommittal manner, turning back to the kettle. "You know how it is, still not used to the bed and all that."

Harry could tell by the way Sirius held his shoulders a bit tighter as he said it that he was lying. Sirius hadn't been sleeping well for a while, but he never wanted to talk about it. Harry was sure that if Sirius got whatever was bothering him off his chest that he'd be able to rest, and if anyone deserved rest it was his godfather. He'd tried again and again to get Sirius to talk or to figure out what was bothering him. Weirdly, the only time that Sirius would clam up was when Harry mentioned Professor Lupin. Sirius would gladly go on and on about Harry's dad or their pranks in school, but whenever Lupin came up he would do this thing where he shook his head just a bit, like he was trying to rid it of some frustrating thought. The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes, then Harry thought he'd try something.

"I had these really terrible nightmares last night."

Sirius turned around. "You did?" His expression had softened instantly and he came over to where Harry was sitting next to his potions essay and sat down. Harry knew he was new to this parenting thing, but he also knew how hard Sirius had been trying, and maybe this was a way to get him to talk. He crossed his fingers under the table, Hermione told him he was not good at subtlety but it was worth a shot.

"Yeah, I dreamed we were back in the Shrieking Shack, and that Professor Lupin," Sirius' eyes widened a bit but he didn't say anything sure enough, he shook his head just a bit to the left and immediately broke eye contact with Harry, "he was hurt, like in his wolf form and he was whining but we couldn't get to him to help him, we were too afraid to get bitten."

"I was there?"

Harry nodded, "And Hermione and I too. It was weird." Harry let the pause hang heavy in the air between them. Sirius had a faraway look in his eyes.

"I mean," Sirius sighed, "Remus can take care of himself Harry. We don't have to worry about him. And you certainly don't need to be afraid of him. He's a mostly tame wolf."

Harry said nothing, he didn't want to interrupt Sirius, who seemed to be mulling over what to say next. He still wasn't looking at Harry, now he was examining the hem of his shirt.

"People, you know er...people always underestimated him, ever since we were kids. They used to think that James and I were the brains and brawn of the group but Remus was crafty. He was forever talking us out of trouble, even though he was usually the fucking one that made up the plan to get us in it in the first place." Sirius laughed, staring a bit wistfully "He knew how to keep a low profile even then."

Harry nodded. The silence stretched thick between them. He realized that Sirius was going to need another prod.

"I just wonder where he is, is all."

"You could write him if you're worried."

Harry was starting to lose his patience. Sirius clearly wanted to contact Remus, every time Harry's former professor came up, he would stare off and start reminiscing about their time in school. As close as Sirius and James were, it seemed often to Harry that Remus and he had been closer - and so Harry had been trying to get Sirius to write Remus basically since the moment that they'd left Hogwarts. He didn't, however get the sense that he could just come out and say it, he was worried that though Sirius was all bravado and laughing confidence, that Azkaban had left Sirius a lot more fragile than even Sirius understood.

"Yeah, he did say Hedwig would be able to find him no matter what."

The kettle started singing and Sirius got up from the table without responding. It didn't make any sense. They'd been friends, best friends even. And now Remus finally knew that Sirius was innocent! And Sirius knew that Remus knew that he was innocent. Sure, things would be awkward for a bit while they got to know each other once again but Harry couldn't imagine them not even wanting to speak. If it had been him and Ron there's no way that he wouldn't be talking to him. They'd be spending every waking minute trying to catch up! He didn't understand it. He sighed and continued on his piece of toast. It looked like he was going to have to go to Hermione.

* * *

Harry passed Hermione a butterbeer and Ron took a seat on the windowsill near her. Harry instead leaned back on his hands on his large oak four-poster. Hermione and Ron were finally spending the night now that Grimmauld place had been largely cleaned up. Not only did Harry now have his own bedroom for the first time in his life (and it was a particularly grand one, with new paint, Gryffindor banners, a huge comfortable bed, and a large window that looked out into the square) but Sirius had connected another of the floors rooms to his, so he had a study as well. Hermione had spent all day giving him suggestions for what books he needed to fill the new shelves with and Ron helped Harry put up photos from Hagrid's album on the wall. Once he had some armchairs or couches near the fire it would be a cozy place to read and relax.

Harry couldn't believe his luck. Only a few months ago he was dreading going back to being Dudley's punching bag for the summer and was sure to drop the few pounds he had put on at school. Now he and Sirius were living in this huge house and he could travel by floo to see his friends whenever he felt like it. And though Sirius clearly loved having him around, he still sensed something was weighing on his new guardian, and he had his suspicions that it had to do with a certain professor. They were leaving for Hogwarts in a few days, the autumn was starting to really set in. If he was going to figure out what was going on with Sirius he didn't have much time.

"So you really have no idea why they're not speaking?" Hermione asked with her brows drawn together like she was examining a particularly difficult arithmancy problem.

"None. It's weird yeah? Like every time I start trying to talk about Professor Lupin, Sirius gets all misty-eyed and starts talking about the past and how good of friends they were. What kind of best friends don't want to talk to each other?"

Ron wiped butterbeer from the corner of his mouth, "Must be kind of awkward though right? Lupin thought that Sirius killed...er...killed your parents right?"

Hermione nodded, "But now Lupin knows the truth."

"Yeah. So what's the deal then?" Ron asked.

"I don't know," Harry said, "It's like there's something that neither of them wants to tell me."

Ron looked puzzled and shrugged, "I mean if they want to talk again they will."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Clearly someone has to push them into it," she turned to Harry, "You know how stubborn Sirius can be, and this is a sticky situation. They must have so much they need to work out, get closure on."

Ron smirked, "Closure is a girl thing Hermione, I don't think we should-" but the look that she gave him was so withering that he didn't even finish the sentence.

Harry intervened, "No I think Hermione is right. Sirius is…" he tried to find the right words, "he's really important to me you know? And if I can help him, I owe him that. I mean look how different he's made my life, and his has been so hard."

Ron nodded slowly and Hermione smiled at him.

"Let's just go speak to him then. It might not be the most subtle technique but it sounds like you've tried those...to the best of your ability"

Ron looked at the clock on the wall, "He might be asleep, it's nearly eleven."

Harry shook his head, "He's always up late. We can check the lounge downstairs, he likes to read down there."

Ron still looked skeptical, as if he didn't understand why they'd be intervening in this kind of emotional tangle, but he followed the other two out of Harry's bedroom and down the narrow flight of stairs to the main level of the house. They did indeed find Sirius in his favorite chair in the lounge of the house with a book in his lap but he wasn't reading. Instead he was pouring a glass out of a rather large bottle of firewhiskey that was only a quarter full. Judging by Sirius' red face, he had consumed a large portion of the bottle that evening while the trio had been upstairs. Harry paused, feeling a bit like they were intruding on something secret, but Sirius had already spotted them so there was no point in backing out now.

"Harry!" He looked delighted, "I hope you three are staying out of tr-trouble...erm...told Molly I am a responsible fucking...guardian now."

Ron laughed and sat in the chair opposite Sirius, "Sirius are you, are you pissed?!"

Sirius turned to him, but the motion was too quick, because his head seemed to have much more momentum than he planned and he had a hard time stopping it in time to look directly at Ron. He pointed at him, "You, you are much too observant Young Weasley...I am, actually...a bit...a little." He laughed, a big bark laugh that reached his eyes, "Okay, kind of pissed. Do me...a solid kids and don't tell Molly yeah?"

Hermione looked apprehensive.

Harry shrugged and sat down, "Nah, Sirius we won't tell anyone."

Sirius grinned, "Cheers Harry. Have some firewhiskey." He passed the bottle to Harry who took it but didn't drink. Hermione was looking downright disapproving now.

"I don't think you should Harry."

"Oh lighten up Hermione," Ron took the bottle of firewhiskey from Harry's hand and took a swig from it then coughed as it burned down his throat. He handed the bottle back to Harry who followed suit with a guilty and slightly manic smile. When Hermione shot him a look he shrugged. "What? Sirius was probably our age when he started drinking a bit."

Sirius nodded, "Oh yeah, I think I had my first drink when I was in second year! I won't tell. It's good to...erm...practice….know your limits. Then you won't be throwing up later."

Hermione snorted but sat down. After the boys had a few more sips she confiscated the bottle wordlessly from them. When no one was looking, she took a small sip. She smirked to herself but no one noticed because Sirius was speaking loudly.

"There was this one time James and Remus and I nicked McGonagall's scotch after she ummm...gave us a talking-to for...erm...something or other and we took the booze up to the Astronomy Tower," he laughed, "She is a tough old bird but she has...wow...brilliant taste in liquor. Bottle was probably worth more than our fucking heads. James got so drunk he threw up over the side of the Astronomy tower, it landed right in front of the potions professor, Slughorn, who was smoking a cigar. Got all over his trousers."

Ron and Harry laughed, Hermione tried to suppress a smile. Sirius looked elated at their laughter. "He looked up and saw James...and so we ran. But ha, running while drunk...it's not easy. And we were on the landing and Remus fell...James was...gone. And I picked Remus up…he was a scrawny thing" Sirius trailed off.

Ron took the bottle from Hermione and handed it to Sirius. Sirius took another long gulp, this time straight from the bottle, the glass long since forgotten. They passed the bottle around in silence for a bit, until Harry could feel the firewhiskey making his head a bit warm and watery and slightly heavier than usual. Ron was looking rather oddly at Hermione who was holding her liquor like a champ and didn't seem to be effected In the slightest. Ron's eyes were narrowed and he was staring at Sirius.

"What're you looking at Ronald?"

"What happened after you picked up whatshisname, the werewolf guy?" He was slurring his words just a bit.

Hermione scoffed, "Professor Lupin to you Ron!"

"Yeah! The Lupin! What happened at the end of the story...did you get erm...caugh-t?"

Sirius looked faraway, "No. We got away. We hunkered down in an empty storage… erm…in a...closet." He blushed if possible, a deeper red at the last word and Hermione put her hands over her mouth. She stared at Sirius, eyes wide and almost gleeful.

"And the professor never found you?" Harry asked.

Hermione laughed, "Oh my god. A closet."

Harry stared at her, "What's funny?"

Ron laughed too, "Hermione you've had too much."

Sirius was looking at Hermione with his eyes narrowed and Hermione ignored Ron, instead looking softly at back at Sirius, "Sirius, why didn't you TELL us?"

"How...how are you doing that? Wait how do you know?"

"Oh Sirius it's totally obvious the way you talk about him. I've read too many novels to not see this coming. That's why you've been avoiding talking about him."

Harry looked between Hermione and Sirius as Sirius put his head in his hands. Things were suddenly turning in a direction he didn't expect but his head was too full of water for him to figure out where it was going or why.

"Sirius, how long were you two together?"

Ron spluttered, "What?! Like gay together?!"

Sirius glared at Ron. And Harry finally put it all together, even with the fishtank of a head that the firewhiskey had given him.

"You and Professor Lupin were, together?"

Sirius nodded, with his head still in his hands, "Fuck. Yeah."

"Oh Sirius," Hermione said quietly, "that must have been so hard, losing him."

Sirius looked up and he wasn't crying but he looked completely lost, as if he couldn't remember how he got there. His eyes were red but whether it was from the booze or from the emotion, Harry couldn't tell. When he spoke his voice was suddenly clear, almost calm. "Yeah. I lost, everyone." He looked at Harry, "Your dad and your mum. I came to the house to give you a present, it was a little stuffed lion that roared when you pet its tummy. Remus picked it out for you. And the house…" his voice cracked, "I found them. And I knew that it was Peter. And for weeks I had wondered, if…I wondered if it had been Remus...and he wondered if it had been me. It was horrible. I loved him so much and I thought that, I suspected him. After promising that I'd never think less of him because of who he is. I started thinking there was something wrong with him, that they'd turned him. That he was betraying me...I mean us."

Hermione wiped a tear away and Ron stared into his lap but Harry couldn't look away from his godfather. This man had changed his entire life for the better, had been through so much, more than he ever imagined. Harry had considered what it must have been like for Sirius in Azkaban, how angry he must have been knowing that he was put away for a crime that he didn't commit. But he'd never thought, until now, how unbelievably painful it must have been, reliving the worst memories of his life over and over for years, especially when the worst memories of his life had been seeing the bodies of his friends, finding them dead after weeks of suspecting that his partner might have been the one betraying them. He tried to imagine finding Ron and Hermione, but just the thought seemed to tear his chest in half. And he looked at Sirius, with his long hair sticking out at odd angles from his ponytail, his limbs still too thin, his face too lined, and he realized he'd never known anyone with a stronger heart.

Now that Sirius had started talking, it was like he couldn't stop. He had started to cry, but it seemed that he hadn't even realized, the tears slid down his cheeks but he didn't wipe them away, "I couldn't go home. I had to find Peter, I was in a rage, I couldn't think of anything but hurting him. It was as if the whole rest of the world had fucking dimmed to nothing, all other emotions turned off. I remember handing you to Hagrid, Harry. I thought for sure he'd take you to Remus, to your other godfather. And then I found him and I didn't go for my wand, I wanted to squeeze the life out of him with my hands. Then he was gone and Remus' worst fears were confirmed. Everyone thought I'd killed your parents. He didn't even come to the trial. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"What's wrong with you? How was it your-" Harry didn't understand.

Sirius looked at Harry, "I should have just gone home. I should have taken you with me, let Dumbledore or the Ministry, or fucking Voldemort find Peter. I should have gone home to Remus and told him what happened. You could have had a different life, we all could have. Fuck. I...I'm so goddamn sorry."

Harry stood and put an arm around Sirius, who was really crying now. Hermione tapped Ron and led him out of the room. Harry didn't know what to say, it was kind of a lot to take in at once, but he knew that he didn't want to dwell on what could have been, Sirius still had a chance to be happy.

"We can still have a different life Sirius. We've already started to. You've given me a better home than I ever could have hoped for."

Sirius tried to smile.

"You have to talk to him Sirius. He's alone somewhere, and he shouldn't have to be alone anymore. None of us have to."

"What am I supposed to say?"

"I don't know if it matters. Maybe start with 'Hi'. You're writing him in the morning." He paused, he wasn't any good at this kind of thing, "You can still make the choice to...you know, go home to him. Maybe he wants you to."

And in the morning, after cold pizza and coffee with three hungover teenagers, Sirius wrote Remus the first letter he had in more than twelve years.

_Dear Moony,_

_Hi. I waited a couple months to hear from you, but its pretty clear at this point that you're not going to make the first move. I'd make a joke here about how you always liked to be chased but I think you might not be in the mood? I bet you're looking all disapproving and Moony-ish right now. I was right, wasn't I?_

_Harry told me about you leaving the school, Dumbledore told me as well. He was quite put out about it, I think the old bat is just lazy, doesn't want to find a replacement. I wish you would have told me yourself. We didn't get a chance to speak at all, you were gone before I got away from Fudge. Can you believe that? A pardon from the Minister of Magic himself! My mother would be so proud. Actually I can tell you for sure she is not, Harry and I are living in Grimmauld Place again so I have to listen to her fucking portrait screaming about my traitorous nature anytime I want a bite in the kitchen. Not that I'll let anything get between me and food, but it is a bit unappetizing. It's just a temporary thing, until I can find a decent job and get us a bachelor flat somewhere less...covered in house elf heads and spiderwebs. You'd think it was the damn Taj Mahal the way that Harry talks about it though. I gather those Muggles treated him like utter shit but he doesn't like to talk about it much. I'm crap at this sort of thing, mostly because I just want to rage every time I think about it, but I guess we're managing._

_Where are you? Are you coming back for Worm's trial?_

_I don't know if I should say anything about - I am so crap with feelings Moons, just write me back okay? It has been 12 years of us not talking, now I don't even know what the fuck to say but I'm bursting to say fucking something. Anything. Where are you? Why did you go?_

_-Padfoot_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius send letters. This story has been forcing me to do nothing but write the last few days so here's another update. I'm planning to have chapter 5 by the end of the week. Don't sue me, I own nothing

Remus was an Irishman through and through but he had an Englishman's neurotic attachment to tea. He had finished reading the letter from Sirius, dropped it unceremoniously onto the scrubbed wooden counter and immediately gone for the kettle. There was no way he could approach this kind of thing without a steaming, over-brewed cup of tea to steady him. He tried to block out all other thoughts as he filled the kettle with water, gently deposited loose tea in his single-cup steeper and placed it in an old chipped Gryffindor mug that was covered in ambling and roaring lions. The mug was well-loved and slightly faded, it was a remarkably different color on the inside than the outside. He smiled softly at the mug, which had been a present from James years and years ago.

Waiting for the water to boil, he sighed heavily, eyeing the letter suspiciously. He should have known this was coming, did know in fact. He thought that a few months roaming Scotland, northern France, and his homeland of Ireland would allow him to formulate a plan, to spend the time with himself that he needed to search his own feelings. Of course he knew that he'd have to face whatever existed or didn't between he and Sirius eventually, but he knew Sirius avoided things like this - he was deathly allergic to any kind of conflict that would end with a talk about feelings. Although, maybe he wasn't anymore. It struck Remus that after twelve years he didn't know the other man at all. But all those weeks roaming hadn't helped Remus know what to do about Sirius black, he'd merely filled his time pointedly not thinking about Sirius. And here was the result. Now he sat here, staring at the letter without a plan and kicking himself.

Sirius' letter had said that Hedwig wasn't about to leave without a reply but she didn't seem to be in much of a hurry either, he imagined she had flown a long way through bitter cold. The letter was dated the last day in August, so Remus was guessing it had taken her several attempts to find him. In some ways it was comforting to know that he was hard to find. He glanced at the calendar on the wall, a cheap advertisement for a Muggle travel agency that featured the pictures of tropical havens which he had picked up in France. It was only a few days until Halloween and he couldn't help imagining the warmth, laughter and food of the Hogwarts feast. What he would give for a warm mug of mulled cider with whiskey in it. Sirius had always loved Halloween, if James had been the patron saint of April Fool's, Sirius had been the king of Halloween. He'd spent weeks and weeks concocting plans to scare teachers and first-years alike and convincing the house elves to help him throw elaborately-provisioned parties where everyone got far too drunk and sugar-high.

He suddenly remembered the skeleton-like, broken look in Sirius' eyes when he first saw him in the Shrieking Shack and the absolute bloodlust that had replaced it as he beat Peter within an inch of his life. He shivered despite the warmth of the hut. Sirius had been like a ghost himself, so thin he was almost transparent. He was built thick, with a strong chest and neck, and so to see him so waif-like, so weak…

He shook his head to clear it. Better not to think about that. Better to think about the task at hand. He couldn't fall apart. He placed a hand flat on the counter and took several deep and steadying breaths. He was always like this close to the full moon, shaky and emotional, every breath was an effort. His muscles felt tight, ready to cramp at any quick movement. He tried to relax the tight muscles gathered in his back. When they had been together, Sirius would cast a warming charm on his hands and rub the tight muscles in Remus' shoulders in the few days before the full moon. He would be the one to nurse him back to health the days after. He had been Remus' whole life. Try as he might, he couldn't help but wish he still had those strong hands to hold on to.

The kettle screamed and Remus jumped. He hurried to pour the water into his mug and took the steaming tea and the letter over to the tiny table against the wall of the hut that served as both desk and dining table. He read it again to himself slowly, noticing the wide, flat writing and the blotches over the i's. When he had finished reading it for the fifth time, he pulled added milk to his tea, pulled out a fresh piece of parchment and began to write.

_Hello Sirius,_

No. No, too formal. God it was like he hadn't seen the man naked. He tried again.

_Hi Padfoot,_

_Consider me caught. Hedwig looks as if you've exhausted her trying to find me. You should probably get your own owl, Harry might be missing her. So yes, I'm looking disapproving, now with the added experience of having been a professor. My looks are much more stern than they used to be._

He stopped and took several sips of his tea. So many choppy sentences. Not that Sirius would notice, but he knew its what he did when he didn't quite know what to say or where his thoughts were going. He thought ruefully again of spiced cider with whiskey, the whiskey would be a help in trying to figure out what to say but there was no way he was apparating anywhere in this cold. He read the part of Sirius' letter again where he asked why Remus had left without saying goodbye and, not knowing how he was to answer that without opening up a Pandora's box of emotion, continued to the next piece.

_I read in the Prophet that you were pardoned, it almost doesn't feel real, not of course that you don't deserve it._

God where was he going with this? He scowled at his own writing and considered starting again but he persisted.

_I just, I dreamed of your innocence, your freedom so often. I'm sure you did too._

Here he paused once more. He didn't know what else to say about Sirius being out of prison. Everything he wanted to say felt hollow, insincere. He rubbed his temples, and stretched his shoulders. How did he communicate what it was like to lose him? How long he'd hated him. Now that hatred was gone and instead, nothing.

_I don't know what to say, Pads. It's all so unreal. So I'll say congratulations on being a free man, regardless of what your mother has to say on the matter. No one ever liked her anyway, I'm sure Harry despises her and you know I was never particularly fond. I hope you're taking care of yourself and Harry, I don't like the idea of him having to eat what you think passes for cooking. Normally I wouldn't be so irresponsible as to suggest you put off finding a job but, you could probably use a rest. God knows the Black estate was made for just that kind of thing and the aforementioned mother would be quite put out by the thought of you spending the fortune lazing away (which is a great reason to do just that)._

_I heard about the Dursleys from Harry while I was there, but it sounds like you know more than I did. Dumbledore had told me they weren't the kindest of people but I didn't know he was being treated terribly. Not that I would have been able to do much. I haven't stayed in the same place more than a few months since you went to Azkaban. You know how people are about hiring me._

He considered the question about Peter's trial. It felt so strange, for twelve years he's thought of Peter as a victim, a righteous avenger of James and Lily who had tried his hardest to stop Sirius. Now things were all jumbled up in his head and that avenger was actually the traitor and Sirius the traitor was actually not a traitor at all. Sirius was, or could be again, his best friend, his confidant. But his heart couldn't keep up with his head and the truth didn't erase the knot of fear and anger in his gut and he felt like he was going to go mad just going over and over it again. He'd had enough trials to last him a lifetime. The last one had almost killed him.

_I think I'll have to come back for the trial. I haven't received a summons yet, but it's only a matter of time I'm sure. I'd really rather not be there, I don't imagine that my repetition of events is going to add too much to the preceding. It's a good thing we have Harry and Dumbledore because the words of an ex-con and a werewolf aren't probably the most convincing. Then again I suppose just the fact that Peter is alive speaks volumes. Have you heard from the Ministry?_

_You've always been crap at feelings Pads. It's okay. I am these days too. I think maybe we're getting old._

Old wasn't what he meant to write at all but as he stared at the word he couldn't think what he actually meant. He ignored it and continued on.

_I'm in Iceland, I know you must think that's daft but that's where I am. Its cozy and cold at the same time. I couldn't stay at the school after Severus told the Malfoy boy about my condition. I didn't want to hurt the reputation of the school and I've been doing this a few years now, I know when it's time to move on._

_Is Harry back at school (I sure hope so)? Are you still at Grimmauld Place? Who have they hired to take my place at the school? I'm going to cut this letter short, tomorrow's the moon and you know how I get. But get your own owl. I promise to be easier to find._

Remus took a deep breath, at this point at the bottom of his second cup of tea. He chewed nervously on the end of his quill and then, before he lost what little nerve he had with his whole body aching.

_I miss you Padfoot. I don't think I ever stopped._

Below this he drew a little crescent moon, the way he used to sign all their letters back and forth when they'd been apart over the summers at Hogwarts. He blew on the ink to dry it before sealing it closed, washing his mug, and prodding Hedwig awake. Only when he fed her a treat and tossed her back into the dark, cold sky did Remus go to his little quilted bed and let himself fall apart completely.

* * *

_Hey Moony,_

_Finally. Finally finally that stupid snow owl tracked you down. She had to give up twice before she finally reached you, so much for you telling Harry that she could find you. You know people worry about you when you go fucking missing. You wouldn't have thought that of course though. You'll notice I followed your professorly instructions and bought a new owl. His name is Rigel because Harry insisted that we name him after some star in his Astronomy book. Don't blame me for that one._

_You have no idea how freedom feels. Honestly I don't think I could even explain it to you. It's like the best broom ride and the best orgasm all together. But it's also terrifying in a lot of ways. It's been twelve years since I've spoken to another human, and you know all my charm has been saved up over the years, I'm slightly afraid I'll unleash it all at once. So I try to stay out of the way a bit, stay in the house mostly. Unreal is the word for it._

_My cooking is delicious, even better than you probably remember thank you very much. Every day I receive an owl from my unbelievably brilliant godson telling me that he misses dinners that I made and that Kreacher definitely did not make. Did I tell you Harry has totally impressed Kreacher? Now that Harry is back at school the little shit is moaning about how nice it was to have him in the house, even though we busted the whole place open and reconfigured the rooms to change the house into something even vaguely fucking inhabitable. Some things will never change. I own the damn place and the only kreature (ha) here still hates me._

_I do not, as of yet, have a job. I'm not really sure what I'm suited for other than being a dangerously eligible bachelor with money to burn. Dumbledore has sent Kingsley around a few times to give me books and the like, I think he wants someone to keep an eye on me so, at least we know he still thinks I have an aptitude for trouble. If only that paid better and got me out of the house. Mostly I just spend my days trying to read up on everything that I've missed. The end of the war and the trials and more importantly TWO QUIDDITCH CUPS._

_I'm supposed to go down to the Ministry tomorrow for the preliminary hearing or some other bollocks. They did say they were going to be calling you. I hope they don't do the trial in the same rooms as they used to. It would be...weird right? Stop fucking saying that your word doesn't hold value or that no one should want to hire you. Merlin twelve fucking years and same old Moony huh?_

_I can't believe you left Hogwarts. Actually I can't believe you let Dumbledore rope you into being a professor in the first place. You're an absolutely traitor you know that? Going into higher education?! What would James say? At least Harry said you had the decency to give him back THE MAP. I mean it is his birthright after all._

_I hope the moon wasn't too hard on you. Hedwig came back with your letter right after but I saw it the night before and was thinking of you. Have the changes been hard? I remember what they used to be like when you were alone and you have some new scars along with the grey hair. I can't believe you're in Iceland. Only you would have the ability to go anywhere in the damn world and would pick the country with 'ICE' in the NAME to winter in. You're an absolute nutter. Are you going to come back anytime soon? Where are you staying? What's it like there? Are you planning to take a teaching post somewhere else (shame on you if you say yes)? Send Rigel back soon, he's a bit of a primal donna._

_-Padfoot_

_PostSirius: Look how long this letter is huh? Crazy. I guess I must be happy to hear from you or something. Harry told me to tell you hello. He said he'd be writing to you once Hedwig had a bit of a rest._

_P.P.S: I more than miss you Moons._

* * *

_Pads,_

_Rigel is the brightest star in Orion. You know, not that far from Canis Major if I remember correctly. You should remember that one right? Your new owl is quite stuck up. He keeps breathing out aggressively as if I'm taking too much time composing this._

_I'm guessing you're not getting out of the house at all. I know it must be difficult to stomach all the noise and activity in London after a long time in isolation. Why do you think after a year at Hogwarts I found a cottage in rural Iceland? I am not a nutter, it's just nice and quiet here. I'm staying in a little cottage at the edge of a farmer's property, he raises sheep and chickens though they're all shut away for the winter now. We had our first real snow right at the beginning of November but I don't mind. The snow stops unwanted visitors and muffles any wolf noises too. You ought to go out a bit though Sirius, you can't spend the whole term indoors waiting for Harry to come back for Christmas. I'm going to ignore that part about freedom being like orgasms. I have literally nothing to say in response to that except: good for you._

_I can't actually believe that Kreacher is still alive. It seems like he was a million years old that time that we went back to Grimmauld to gather some of your things when we were moving into Bayham Place. Back then Camden was such a shithole. You'd be amazed how it looks now, covered in punk rock coffee bars. Did they give you back the flat? I miss the old place. Remember how loud the Palace was on Saturday nights? Why wouldn't you and Harry stay there instead? I should have told you before but I moved a lot of your things to the Alligator Self Storage around the corner. I still pay the storage fee monthly but I haven't been there in years. I don't think the Muggles mind. If you'd like some of your old things, I can mail you a copy of the key. Your bike is in there Sirius. And Harry might enjoy some of the records (or, like me he might not enjoy the sound of screaming to aggressive guitar)._

_I got my summons from the Ministry. I'm supposed to be there in three weeks. They said it could take several days and while I don't really fancy staying in London it seems I may have no choice. Did yours take that long? Did it go okay? I hope they weren't too tough on you and that you didn't release all THE CHARM on them in one go. Fudge might lose what's left of his hair. I shouldn't think the trial would be in the same room. I'll have a word when I'm there._

_Yes, yes I knew we'd be getting around to my entrance into the world of higher education. I can't believe it's a huge surprise, you always used to complain I spent more time with books than you. Actually, if I remember correctly, you complained about me spending time with anything other than you. But I really really did like teaching. I didn't think I would but some of the students are so bright. And well, others, not so much. You never told me who took over my post! Also, I can't imagine James would have hated me teaching Harry at the very least. And yes, at least I gave him back the map. Anyway I think he enjoyed learning from me as well. Has he shown you his Patronus? He's remarkably powerful and has no idea. Best keep it that way or you'll only inflate his ego._

_The moon is how it always is. I make it through. How's Harry getting on at school? Tell Kingsley I said hello and that I'll help keep an eye on you. Or at least a quill. Should we, erm...try coffee or something while I'm in town? Maybe a pint instead? I don't know if you want to, I'd understand and in any case I don't know where I'll be staying but I'll let you know with my next owl._

_Cheers,_

_Moony_

* * *

_Hey Moons,_

_I'm going to write just a tiny letter in response because I've got to head to the Ministry once again to do a follow-up interview. They're interviewing Harry today too so I need to be there as his guardian to supervise (can you believe it? I feel so grown up). So a few quick things before I have to run:_

_Don't be an arsebadger and say you don't have anywhere to stay in London. You're obviously going to stay here at Grimmauld place. I'll add you to our floo and you can come through whenever. Chances are I'll be home and if not just ignore Kreacher and make yourself comfortable. Feel free to come in the day before too obviously. Let me know._

_Yeah they gave me back the apartment, I erm...I decided to come to Grimmauld instead._

_My bike. Oh fuck my bike. I have been wondering where that thing is ever since I got out. I've been telling Harry all about it and everything. Since you'll be staying here, I'll just borrow that storage key from you and get a few things. I'm sure there have to be some things you want too right? Maybe we should go through it together._

_I've got lots more to say but I'll save it for when you show your grey head in London. I actually can't wait to see you Moony, don't let me down._

_Wish me luck with the Ministry and see you soon._

_-Pads_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another quick update in honor of Valentine's Day. I couldn't let the day pass without giving you some fluff. So enjoy this short little flashback, we'll be back to the main arc in the next chapter.

_Summer 1978_

"Did you see his trousers?"

"Forget how odd his trousers are did you see that arse?"

Remus glared at Sirius who broke into a slapdash grin, his prominent canines flashing. He threw an arm around Remus' shoulder and bumped his nose against Remus' scarred cheek, laughing as they ambled down the street.

"Don't worry Remus, your arse will always be my favorite." Sirius planted a kiss on his cheek and Remus pushed him away by the face looking nervous.

"Not here Sirius, wait until we get to the flat." He said it under his breath glancing around, though the corners of his mouth twitched and he knew Sirius knew he was secretly pleased.

Sirius spread his arms wide, gesturing to the street around them and laughed, "Come on Moons, this is Camden! There are poofters all over the damn place, that was part of the point of it."

Remus put a hand over his face, there were several Muggles staring and his boyfriend was having a goddamn Sound-of-Music-moment in the middle of Camden Market. Sirius had been like this since graduation, when, after weeks of uncertainty, Remus had suggested that maybe, since James was moving in with Lily as soon as possible and Sirius didn't want to go back home like Peter, maybe they could make a go of it sharing a flat. Remus thought Sirius was going to cry with happiness. James later told Remus that Sirius had been privately pining away for several weeks, wondering why Remus hadn't said anything about moving in together and refusing to suggest himself it for fear of scaring Remus off. Of course he had, Remus merely shook his head at this information, he could be such a drama queen at times. And then Sirius dragged Remus all around London for a month before they decided on a little upstairs mews off Camden High Street. It had been an adventure, living off money left to Sirius by some uncle and traipsing around London without a care.

Today, a sunny, beautiful, breezy day in early July they were finally moving in. Sirius and Remus each had one magically expanded overnight bag, and they had decided to walk (or practically skip in Sirius' case) the last kilometer or so to the flat so that they could get a better sense of the neighborhood. Remus couldn't help but grin. He was moving in with the man he loved. This crazy, daft, ridiculous clown was all his. It was all so domestic, but he didn't much care. He was a queer werewolf, he never thought that he'd find someone that would accept him for all his baggage, let alone love him for it.

"Sirius you pew, come back here." And Sirius turned, long hair tied back in a messy bun and threw his arm back around Remus where it belonged.

"Just think," he said pointing at the door to their right, with a sign over it proclaiming it 'The Stag and Cedar', "We could have pints at that dingy little pub."

"And then drunk Chinese at that place across the street?"

"Of course! And then we can amble down there and buy some records to take home."

"And then -"

But Sirius wasn't listening anymore, there was a sharp intake of breath and Sirius suddenly had his face pressed against the window of a clothing store, his face alight like a kid on Christmas. He was staring lovingly at a black leather jacket, with zippers on the sleeves and a patch on one of the shoulders that was an embroidered wolf's head, muzzle tipped upward in a howl.

"Moony moony moony" Sirius pointed at the patch, his mouth open and eyes wide.

Remus joined him at the window and looked up at the jacket laughing. "Well that does look like you doesn't it?"

"It's fucking perfect Moons. I have to have it. Think of how good it would look on me when I'm on my motorbike!"

Remus couldn't argue with this, he had a momentary vision of Sirius in his favorite tight jeans straddling the magical motorbike with nothing but that leather jacket covering his torso. He tried not to linger on that image in the middle of the street or it would become obvious all too quickly how much he liked the idea of Sirius owning that jacket. He grabbed Sirius by the bicep.

"Let me buy it for you."

Sirius turned to him, surprised, "But Moons it's probably expensive-"

"I don't care, I want to buy it for you. It's perfect for you and I know you haven't changed any of your money yet. It can be a housewarming present or something."

"Isn't a housewarming gift supposed to be for the house?"

Remus raised his eyebrows, "Do you want the damn jacket or not dogboy?"

"Yes yes please. I'm sorry I ever questioned your wisdom." Sirius put his hands up.

"Anyway, you in that jacket is decoration for the flat as far as I'm concerned." Remus said slyly, opening the door to the store as Sirius smirked and followed.

Fifteen minutes later Sirius was wearing the jacket and Remus had to admit he was right about it suiting Sirius. No doubt the more battered it got the better it would look on him. Sirius just had this ability to make anything that was tattered look like it was part of his punk rock aesthetic rather than the truth which was that he just couldn't be bothered replacing it. It had something to do, Remus suspected, with the effortless confidence that he exuded, and the high aristocratic cheekbones.

"I'll pay you back Remus, promise."

"I already told you I can afford it! I'm starting the new job soon and you're paying the rent anyway. Shut up for once Sirius. Let me do this for you."

Sirius smiled at him but didn't argue anymore. He ran one hand over the buttery leather of the opposite cuff, "It does look pretty good on me."

They turned the corner and half a block down on the right was the new flat. Sirius pulled the keys out of his pocket with some difficulty owing to the tightness of his jeans and let them in. They tramped up the creaky wooden stairs to the main room above and took in the flat. It was small but bright, with a wall of windows opposite the kitchen and smooth worn wood floors. Opposite the stairs there was a decent sized bedroom and tiny little bathroom with clean white tile. The lower floor, once provisioned for horses, was a perfect place for Remus to transform. A few spells to fortify and soundproof the place and he wouldn't even have to leave the house for a sanctuary every month. They had already made plans to paint the kitchen, to buy new furniture, to get a huge fuzzy carpet for the living room and to build bookshelves for Remus across one of the large walls.

Remus couldn't believe it. A place all their own. He walked to the windows opposite and threw one of them open, looking out onto the little street below with a glowing feeling in his chest. The street wasn't exactly the nicest he'd ever been on, but he almost didn't see the graffiti or trash on the street. It was theirs, and it was impossibility brilliant.

He turned and Sirius was looking at him like he'd never looked at Remus before. His eyes were bright and eyebrows knitted together. Remus met his eyes, "Can you believe this is-mm ff"

Sirius had taken two steps and crossed the distance between them and he was kissing Remus, kissing him like he was never going to kiss him again, like this was the last time and he had to put every beautiful mixed-up and upside down feeling of desperate love into one kiss. His hand cupped Remus' lower back, pulling their hips together and Remus reached up to pull Sirius' hair free before tangling a hand in it. Sirius nipped at his lip with a playful growl and Remus opened his mouth, tasting the cinnamon of Sirius' mints and feeling Sirius's breath on his face. The world slowed and swam around them and Remus melted against Sirius. He pulled Sirius' hair a bit and kissed the other man's jaw and neck, before burying his face in the crook of Sirius' neck to breathe in his scent.

"It's fucking perfect Pads."

He could feel Sirius' smile, "You're perfect Moons."

They camped on the battered old sofa that night, the only piece of furniture that Sirius' mother had let him take from his room, and only this because it was ripped in several places. They didn't fit on it together, Remus was forced onto his side and to lay half on top of Sirius' chest who was laying carefully on his back with an arm behind his head. It wasn't the most comfortable sleeping arrangement but as they'd been mostly used to sharing one of their dormitory beds, which were not exactly roomy, neither really minded too much. Remus was beginning to drift off, Sirius stroking his bangs softly, when Sirius reached over to the floor and picked up his camera. Remus looked sleepily up from Sirius' bare chest at the lense as Sirius turned it backwards to capture both of them and grinned, clicking the button down.

"I love you Remus."

"I love you too Sirius."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dont worry, in this chapter they actually speak to one another. Enjoy! As always I own nothing as valuable as these characters.

Remus checked his overnight bag a fourth time even though he knew the outcome would be the same as the third time he checked it. Toothbrush, two changes of clothes, extra shoes, all the necessities were in place. Now if he could only get his courage packed away he might actually be able to get into his little fireplace and get to London. He checked again to make sure he had his toothbrush. He was getting more anxious by the minute, he tried to ignore the gnawing voice in his gut that asked if he was a Gryffindor or not. Courage had seemed a much simpler ideal when he was 17. He sighed and put on his coat, tucked the summons from the Ministry into one of the pockets and picked up his bag. He could find no reason left to delay, and so Remus walked into the fire, through down a bit of floo powder and called in a clear voice, "Grimmauld Place".

A sooty second later he arrived in the dusty fireplace in the entry. It was immediately clear that Sirius hadn't cleaned the thing, or instructed Kreacher to clean in, in quite a while. Typical. He brushed the ash off his shabby coat and the knees of his trousers and straightened up. He had only been in the old Black house once before, but he didn't remember it being quite so, light and airy? The last time he had been here he had the distinct sensation that perhaps the family surname was derived from the color preferred in their house. It had been brooding, clammy, oppressive, like the house had its own eyes to survey the comings and goings of its inhabitants, and put them to good use doing just that. But now the wainscoting was painted a pleasant warm grey and the blue above it was rich without being too opulent. He smiled. Sirius' mother was probably rolling over in her grave. 'Defiling the ancient and noble house of Black' and all that. Undoubtedly, Sirius loved the very idea of it.

Before he had time to do much more than remark upon the interior decorating, a pair of small feet pattered up to him and he looked down to see Kreacher staring up at him, looking ancient and petulant, like an angry boiled potato with wrinkly ears and pug-like eyes.

"The werewolf, come to stay," He croaked, his bullfrog voice struggling to contain what were probably forbidden insults. There was a long pause in which he made it clear through look what he would truly like to be saying, "Master Sirius has been anxiously awaiting your arrival."

"Oh splendid to see you too Kreacher." Remus inclined his head, "Is your Master here?"

Kreacher shook his head, "Master Sirius went out an hour ago to get something, he does not tell Kreacher what it is. Kreacher is to take your bag to the empty bedroom near Master Harry's," Kreacher pointed in the opposite direction, "If sir would go to the kitchen there is tea and biscuits and Master Sirius will be home soon." The elf put out a gnarled and clawed hand to take Remus' bag, which he handed over with a bit of trepidation after removing a book to take to the kitchen with him.

The surfaces of the kitchen were sparkling clean, the old wooden table that had served as the family's informal dining table was set up with several short vases of flowers and a heaping tray of assorted biscuits. Kreacher reappeared and poured a large mug of tea for Remus, then disappeared to the upper regions of the house again with some muttering about attending to the library. Remus tried and failed to read the book he had brought, looking up every few seconds at the clock on the wall, though the time never seemed to pass. He nibbled on his third chocolate biscuit (they were excellent). He reread the same sentence on the right page for what must have been the tenth time. He looked up again. Only fifteen minutes had passed since he sat down.

Another five minutes later Remus was in agony. The house, clean, bright and remodeled as it was, still intimidated him a bit, and it didn't help that his heightened senses could pick up, under the crisp lemon smell of whatever cleaners Kreacher was using, that unmistakable spice smell of Sirius. It was the same smell he had come home to everyday in their Camden flat, the same smell that had comforted him in Hogwarts, and the smell he had missed for years when he truly believed that his lover, no his soul mate, had killed his best friend.

Right before the half-hour mark Remus heard the jangling of keys in the door and perked up, most of the way through his fourth biscuit and his second cup of tea. Seconds later Sirius was at the door, breathless and windswept and lightly dusted with snow, his cheeks painted pink from the cold and his hair falling out of the band that tied it back. He stood for a moment in the doorway, arms pushed against either side of the frame as if he were afraid Remus would try to escape by bolting past him. In fact, the thought of leaving had occurred to Remus before Sirius arrived but now that he was here, standing so close, Remus didn't think he could have left if his life depended on it. Sirius was like a force of nature, like the gravity of some large planet - the people around him could never help being pulled into his orbit. Remus' chest suddenly hurt as if he were winded, as if he had run a great distance without ever leaving the long bench on which he was seated. Sirius was beaming, but he also looked slightly nervous, as if he were dealing with a scared and slightly unpredictable animal (he was).

"Holy fuck. Moony. You're here. Merlin's beard I thought for sure I'd make it back before you -" he trailed off here, hesitant. He didn't seem to want to cross the threshold of the door.

Remus smiled softly at him, "Hello Sirius," He stood, "I like what you've done with the place."

Sirius came across the kitchen and pulled Remus into a bear hug, pinning his arms to his sides. Gods, the scent of him, the feel of his warmth, it was completely overwhelming. He tried not to notice that Sirius' chest had a fragile feeling where he used to have thick layers of muscle, or that his arms felt thin. Sirius pushed him back, holding him at arm's length and searching Remus' face.

"You look fucking terrible."

Whatever Remus had expected, it was not this. He stood there for a moment, shock clearly registering on his face until he broke into somewhat hysterical laughter. He laughed until the tears leaked from the corners of his eyes hand the had to sit back down on the bench. Sirius laughed too, the great, booming, distinct laughs that sounded exactly like Padfoot's barks. He walked around to the other side of the table and set down a bottle in a paper bag. When Remus had recovered he smiled up at the other man.

"I don't know when I last laughed like that, you prick, you know you're not the picture of health yourself."

"Well at least I haven't gone and got OLD. What is all that grey hair?"

"I earned it," Remus objected, "It makes me look distinguished."

"Since when was that a goal?"

Remus raised his eyebrows, "We can't all be the bad boy of someone's dreams, covered in tattoos and steeped in family money."

Sirius grinned wolfishly and fished two clear lowball glasses from a cabinet, "Whose dreams exactly do I feature in in this scenario?"

Remus, flustered, stuttered a bit, "I didn't...that is…"

"Don't hurt yourself Moons, I like the grey."

He pulled from the paper bag on the table bottle of whiskey, Jameson. Remus broke into a smile.

"I know it's your favorite," Sirius said, opening the bottle, "and seeing as we haven't had a drink together in over twelve years, I figured we should celebrate a bit." He poured three fingers into each glass, "Plus I am bloody terrified of being sober in a room with you."

Remus accepted his glass, "I'll drink to that. You have no idea how many times I repacked today."

"I wasn't sure you were going to actually show up."

"Don't think I didn't consider just staying in my cozy little cottage."

"You'd really rather be in bloody Iceland the week before Christmas than here?"

Remus sighed, taking a large gulp of the whiskey, "God I haven't had this in ages, remember when this is all we used to drink?"

"Yeah, bought from that shitty little corner store with the pissed-off clerk who always looked like she was sleeping in her makeup. I had to go to Muggle London for this you know," he took another drink, "But don't think I'm just going to let you off the question."

Remus inclined his head, "It's...good to see you Sirius. It's surreal."

Sirius looked suddenly quite focused, Remus realized that he had drained his glass but he hadn't remembered doing it. Sirius leaned across the table and poured him another. Their fingers brushed just the smallest bit as Sirius replenished the glass and Remus was acutely aware of the feeling of his skin, "Because I'm even more handsome than you remember, or because you actually hate me now?"

Trust Sirius to get straight to the point. He could be nervous and evasive by letter all he wanted to but he had time to plan for this moment, and face-to-face, Sirius wasn't usually delicate. He should have expected this tactic. Sirius knew that Remus took time to work into things, he knew that his he could catch Remus unprepared he'd get the truth. He couldn't believe that after twelve years the same tactics Sirius had used to get out of lovers quarrels would still be effective. Then again, he was usually defenseless around Sirius. Remus put his head in his hands and slowly pushed them up, messing his sandy-brown hair Before combing it back into place with his fingers.

"I don't want to talk about all that yet Sirius. I just got here and you're trying getting me drunk and…" he paused, he didn't know how to say any of this, it didn't matter that he had practiced this conversation over and over in his head for weeks in anticipation of coming to Grimmauld Place, of course when it came down to it the words sounded foreign, "I just want to sit here and eat something and reminisce with an old friend. That's what I can...handle right now."

Sirius nodded slowly, "Okay. Okay Moons. Friends huh?"

Remus looked at him, trying to express in a look everything he knew he'd never be able to express in words. As much as he wanted to fall into Sirius' arms and go right back to the way things were, they'd never be able to. Remus was different now, he was a man, he'd been through things, suffered in the world after Sirius had left, he had lost everything. And Sirius had suffered even more, he'd even lost his freedom, lost the safety in his own head for a while. They were both marked now, Remus with his scars, Sirius with the prison number tattooed on his forearm. They couldn't pretend that they could just forget it all and go back to being twenty-one and in love again.

Sirius looked him dead in the eye and Remus almost fell into those deep pools, "Hey, Moons, don't worry okay? We don't have to talk about anything. I'm just happy you're here. That's enough for me you lightweight Irish ponce."

He put a large, square hand over Remus' thin one in a surprisingly comforting gesture and Remus smiled at him. There was too much at stake to know what to say about them, so they said everything else. They reminisced and Kreacher made dinner around them before serving a lovely roast and root vegetables. They kept up with one another drink for drink, maintaining a lovely buzz long into the evening when their bellies were full and their hearts were warming in the firelight and memories of better days.

Remus helped fill in the pieces of Sirius' memory that seemed oddly blank. There were stories from their school years that Remus told which Sirius only remembered three-quarters of, or that Sirius would mix up together, or where he would remember the smallest details but not the actual events. He would get uncharacteristically quiet or bashful at these moments, as if he were embarrassed by his inability to recall things the way that they happened. Remus didn't remark on these moments, instead he just helpfully prodded Sirius along until they reached common ground once again. He suspected that the dementors had taken a great deal from Sirius, that mixed up memories were just the tip of the iceberg, but he didn't want Sirius to have to talk about his time there. Instead he kept the whiskey flowing until they were both happily drunk, leaning red faced on their hands and laughing about dungbombs and charming Dumbledore's beard pink, and the time James ran down five flights of stairs trying to catch a crystal ball that they had bewitched to run away from him singing "James Potter is a massive prick, too bad he has a tiny dick" after he had secretly cut Sirius' hair the night before.

Kreacher arrived back in the kitchen at one in the morning and helpfully offered them a steaming mug of Holland's Hangover Protection potion at which point they leaned on one another to climb the stairs to their respective beds. Sirius, whose bedroom was at the very top level of the house, stopped when they reached Remus' door.

"This, this is you Moony Moons Moon." He let go of Remus, leaning instead on the banister to support his wobbly frame.

"Pads, paddyfoot." Remus was flush-faced and prone to the most ridiculous fits of laughter when drunk, "Your house is often-ta- wait that's not right, ostentatious, yes that's the one."

"How are you still wording like that?"

"I'm a Professor...or I was."

Sirius hiccuped loudly, "Traitor to the cause. You were an aca...demic spy from...from..the beginning-"

At the mention of the word 'spy' Remus had gone pale, and it took Sirius a moment to catch up. "Oh. Remus shit. I'm drunk. I mean, sorry."

Remus reached for the door, "It's you know, it's okay or whatever. I thought it was you too."

"I know."

"If I had known."

"I know."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I? I was already in Azkaban."

"You should have come home."

"Moony I was in Azkaban."

"No, that night. When you found...them. You should have come home. You knew then that it wasn't me."

Sirius smiled sadly, "I know."

"I would have believed you. I always wanted to believe you."

Sirius turned to walk up the stairs, "I wasn't afraid you wouldn't believe me Moons. I was afraid you'd hate me for thinking it was you."

Sirius was halfway up the next flight of stairs by the time Remus' intoxicated brain processed this, and at that point all he could do was whisper his reply to the empty landing.

"I could never hate you." But even as he whispered it, he remembered the feeling of holding Sirius in the Shrieking Shack months before, how his mind had screamed murderer when he did, he knew it was a lie. They had both hated each other, mistrusted one another, and they both had so much mending to do. But tonight, tonight had been a step, if perhaps a drunken, faltering one.

* * *

The hearing the next day was long, and arduous, full of suppositions about his character and questions about whether werewolves could be trusted as witnesses in the first place. Remus told the story of the night Peter Pettigrew had been caught as plainly and as honestly as he could, but he knew that his word would probably mean very little in the eyes of the court. Luckily for them, the fact that Peter Pettigrew was alive and in custody did say quite a bit. It was difficult to imagine anyone would be on the run as a rat for twelve years if they hadn't had something to hide. Also luckily, Peter wasn't required to be present at the hearing, Remus didn't think he could have stood staring into the traitor's face anymore. He'd already had to face that situation once with Sirius' trial.

He remembered the day they had sentenced Sirius, who had been bound and protesting his innocence loudly as the court read off the sentence. He had looked straight at Remus as they took him away, looked at him as if he were trying to memorize every feature. He had stared at Remus and pleaded with him, "Remus it wasn't me, Moons believe me, luv." But Remus hadn't believed him, hadn't believed the word of the traitor that sold out his two best friends and their infant son. He had stared coldly back, watching Ministry officials drag the man he loved most in the world to the cold, insanity-producing rock that was Azkaban.

Now he was walking through the same halls and Sirius was free. So free that they were going to have lunch together in Muggle London when Remus was done at the Ministry. Neither of them felt like facing the inquiring eyes of the wizarding public. Remus had been outed to the world as a werewolf by Severus-fucking-Snape which meant that everyone knew, no one would hire him and some wizarding establishments where he had been a frequent guest would now turn him away at the door. On the other hand, many were unconvinced that Sirius Black was not notorious-mass-murderer-Sirius-Black and similarly did not take too kindly to his presence. Remus apparated back to Grimmauld Place where he collected Sirius and they made their way down to Soho to a ramen place that Remus had heard about in the Muggle newspapers.

They spent a pleasant afternoon stuffing themselves and chatting aimlessly about anything that came up - neither of them mentioned the rather intense turn that their conversation had taken the night before, or the hearing that Remus had attended in the morning. It only took an hour or so in Sirius' presence for the stress of the morning to empty itself from Remus' tired shoulders, which he thought might be a record. He laughed more than he had in ages, all the stories and memories that he'd buried deep now had an audience, a co-conspirator, a witness who laughed at all the appropriate moments. They probably made a funny pair, the scruffy sandy-haired, dad-cardigan-wearing Remus and the ripped-jeans, black t-shirt and ponytailed Sirius sitting in a Ramen shop laughing until they cried about boarding school.

Eventually they paid their bill and spilled out onto the streets, opting to walk through the city a bit before disapparating back to the house. Remus unexpectedly still had one more day of hearings, so he was planning to stay another night after he grabbed some more clothes from the cottage. It was late afternoon and the chill was starting to set in as they walked. Sirius rubbed his hands together and blew on them as they waited for a light to let them cross.

"So you never answered me in our letters about what you were going to do next Moons." Sirius asked, stamping his feet a bit.

Remus nodded his head, "Mostly because I have no idea. Dumbledore was kind enough to employ me at a moment I was truly desperate. And now that Snape has outed me," Sirius hissed through his teeth at the mention of the Potions Master, "there's not going to be many options."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm in much the same situation."

"I know," Remus sighed, "what happened to the pair of us huh?"

"Marauding takes its toll I guess."

"At least you've got the house, and you're taking care of Harry. People are going to want to employ the guardian of the boy-who-lived."

Sirius shrugged, "Maybe. I have the Black inheritance too and honestly I'm not in a rush. I thought maybe I'd start my own business, or invest in something. I like the idea of having a free schedule after all those years...you know...locked up."

Remus rolled his eyes, "Sirius you always liked having a free schedule. You used to sleep until noon every day."

"Well someone," he raised his eyebrows and waggled them at Remus, "used to keep me up late a lot of nights."

"I remember that being a mutual decision. You act as if you had nothing to do with it."

"I didn't. I was innocent to those types of -"

"Oh please, don't start with this act"

"-unholy unions until your beautiful body seduced me."

Remus felt like he was doing a lot of eye rolling, "You big queer I remember you being the one that kissed me."

"I was already under your spell."

"Merlin you can still lay on the drama thick can't you?"

"I have a talent for it, yes."

Remus shoved his shoulder playfully into Sirius' thinner one.

"Oi bony! Isn't Kreacher feeding you?"

"Yeah, it just erm...took awhile for my stomach to be able to handle a normal amount of food. It wasn't used to it."

Remus blanched. He thought he knew what going hungry meant but thinking about Sirius, who had been used to huge sumptuous meals, going so hungry that he couldn't stomach food, made him profoundly sad. Sirius looked over at him and quickly changed the subject,

"But seriously Remus, you can't stay in Iceland forever. You've got to stop being such a layabout. Come back to London."

"Pads you know I can't afford it."

"But I like having you here."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm used to being the center of attention Remus, you know I deserve to be in the spotlight. But when Harry's off at school there's no one to watch the performance."

"Oh so you want me back in London so you can have an audience? Nice."

"Come on Moony, think of all the trouble we could get up to."

"I can't afford it Sirius."

"You can have the Camden flat back, I'm not using it."

Remus sighed. "Too many memories. That's why you're not there right?"

Sirius looked away, "You could, come stay at Grimmauld?"

"I don't know if that's a good idea. I mean-"

But Sirius cut him off, "Look Harry is home for Christmas holidays in six days, he'd kill me if he knew you were here and you didn't stay for Christmas. You can't celebrate that all alone in god-fore-fucking-saken Iceland."

"Come off it I like Iceland."

"Just stay for Christmas. If you hate it or its...weird or something you can go back. But you can't stay there forever."

"Sirius I dont want to be a-"

"Don't you dare say burden Moony I swear to all that is fucking holy."

"But I'm not sure it's-"

"Moony, we're mates. We were mates first before we started humping like rabbits-"

"Oh that's a nice way of putting it."

"And we're mates again. And yes it's going to be weird and...ugh a part of me doesn't know what the hell we're doing but you need a place to stay and I'm not abandoning you. No one should be alone at Christmas. We've spent too many apart."

Remus looked into Sirius' eyes and saw that manic glint that he always got when thought he had a bright idea. It was the look he got pouring over the Marauder's Map in the middle of the night, the look he got when he had some new mischief to engineer or pranks to play. It was the look he had gotten in his eyes when he decided that James, he and Peter needed to become animagi to keep Remus comfortable. Sirius Black was nothing if not stubborn. Once he'd gotten an idea into his head there was no dissuading him. Remus knew that he was fighting a losing battle and he didn't have the energy to fight the way he might have years ago. So he looked into Sirius' eager face and resolved to at least make sure that Sirius ate properly and drank a bit less while he was staying. After all if he was taking care of Sirius he needn't feel quite so guilty about staying for free.

"Come ON Remus its not that complicated. Presents, Christmas cheer, your best-mate, your former student. It'll be grand."

"You're not going to give up?"

"What a daft question. Literally do I ever?"

He nodded, "Okay Pads, you pain in the arse. Christmas it is."

And they walked the rest of the way in contented silence. Remus, for the life of him, didn't know why he couldn't stop smiling.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hard time with this chapter, my apologies that it took longer than usual. But I have a lot of exciting things about to happen in the next one, so you know, get excited and all that. Disclaimer is the standard, blah blah blah I'm poor okay chapter time!

Harry jumped onto the platform at King's Cross, beaming as Ron threw his bag to him. Hermione stepped down too, and the three of them scanned the platform, searching through the billowing steam and rows of bodies. It was Harry's first year going home for Christmas, actually he thought to himself, the first year that he hadn't thought of Hogwarts as home. Grimmauld Place was his home now, a home he had helped to make over the summer. He couldn't wait to see Sirius and tell him all about the first task of the Triwizard Tournament and how all of Hogwarts had been cheering on Cedric. Hermione saw her parents and bid them goodbye and happy Christmas and then Mrs. Weasley surfaced, the twins behind behind her, to collect Ron.

"Harry, dear," she hugged him, "Happy Christmas! Glad to see you and Ronald have stayed out of trouble thus far this year."

"We do try Mrs. Weasley, honestly."

"Well I can't say the same for some of my _other sons_ ," she looked pointedly at Fred and George who had looks of pure mock innocence plastered on their identical faces, "Is Sirius coming to get you? We thought you might be with us this Christmas."

"Sirius is coming, he said he'd meet me here. I just have to find him."

And right on cue, his godfather emerged and swooped him into a hug that nearly cracked his ribs.

"Harry! It's Christmas and you're here and I've got an incredible surprise!"

Harry grinned stupidly, "Sirius! Finally."

"We were beginning to worry" said Mrs. Weasley.

"There are just a shit load of kids here. Nice to see you Molly," he added to Mrs. Weasley who looked scandalized by his language. The twins were looking starstruck, they had heard story after story, some of them from Filch, about the pranks that the younger Sirius Black had masterminded, and contrary to pervading attitudes, they didn't much care if he had murdered a load of people or not. They thought it gave him a dangerous edge. And he did look the part, his hand tattoos peaking out under the cuffs of his thick coat, hair casually long and thrown back.

"Did you bring the bike, Sirius?" Ron asked eagerly.

"Course," Sirius shrugged, "Doing alright Ron? Staying out of trouble?"

Ron nodded and Sirius scoffed, "Terrible, I haven't had one letter from McGonagall this term. The two of you are going to have to work harder."

Mrs. Weasley pursed her lips but didn't say anything except "Come along now Ron, your father is waiting with the car. Where is Ginny anyway? Oh and good to see you Sirius, Harry you have a wonderful Christmas love."

Sirius took Harry's bag and slung it easily over his shoulder, "You just wait until you see who is here to visit for Christmas. We're going to have a fucking grand time kid. I can't wait to hear everything about school. Is Snape still being an arse?"

"Does he know how to be anything else?" Harry laughed.

"Don't worry, we'll devise a few plans for revenge. You brought the map right?"

"Do you really think that I'd leave something that valuable at Hogwarts over break?"

"Perfect. Well you'll have half the Marauders to help you plan your next moves against dear old Snivellus."

"Is...does that mean Professor Lupin is here?!" Harry's face lit up. They'd arrived at Sirius' motorbike and Sirius strapped Harry's bag into one of the magically expanded saddlebags on the back.

"Oi he's not your professor anymore. Merlin that sounds odd, Professor Lupin. But yes he's come to stay for the holidays."

"Does that mean that you two are -"

Sirius cut him off, "It means you mind your own business, pup. Here put on the damn helmet so we can get home and out of the cold. I've got my eyes on a warm drink when we get home and Kreacher is fixing something special for you."

Harry smiled knowingly but didn't say anymore. He got on the bike behind Sirius and just as he kicked the motor into life Sirius called over his shoulder, "And Remus doesn't erm...know that you know anything about our history. I'm sure you'd know better than to go blabbing."

Harry laughed, "Sure Sirius, whatever you say."

And they sped off towards Grimmauld Place.

* * *

Remus was, as usual, in a chair near the fire, his feet propped up on a plush ottoman, nose buried in a book. Sirius had always been used to nice things in a way that made Remus a bit uneasy, in a way that reminded you he was used to having money, even if it didn't always come easily to him. Even when he'd left the house and run off to live with the Potters it wasn't exactly a story of destitution. He remembered James' mother's cooking wistfully. But here, warm underneath a thick afghan, with a mug of tea that was keeping itself the perfect temperature, Remus thought he could get used to this level of comfort, especially when, like today, his body was aching and a bit feverish still from his last full moon. He had run the Icelandic countryside, preferring to go back to the land around the cottage over sticking out the moon at Grimmauld Place.

Though the change had been hard, it was always hard, it had also been the first change in years where he wasn't alone. Where he wasn't stuck in his own head, willing the wolf not to take out his feverish aggression on his own body, the first in which he was free to roam, to run, to feel the icy wind in his fur and the dirt beneath his paws. Because Sirius had been there by his side, huge and ridiculous with his tongue lolling out of his mouth and his playful nips and barks keeping Remus' attention away from distant farmhouses. They'd run together like they had in the old days, wrestling and play-fighting and howling stupidly together. He couldn't describe what it felt like to be able to change out in the open where he was meant to be, rather than stuck in a cage where his energy was restless and angry and destructive. So the change had been hard on his body, he couldn't avoid the breaking of bones or the grinding of joints as his skeleton shifted into the massive grey (now streaked with silver) wolf. But Sirius had been there, and that made all the difference.

And he couldn't deny he was looking forward to seeing Harry again. Now that he wasn't Harry's professor anymore, there was no reason that he couldn't be more open and honest with him. There were so many things that he had wanted to tell Harry last year, about how much James and Lily had loved Harry, how they'd given everything to have him and protect him even in the darkest hours of the war, how much he, Remus, had loved James and Lily. He couldn't wait to tell him stories of how brilliant and fiery his mother was, how she had kept James in check. He hoped, well he was almost certain, that Harry needed to hear these stories too. At least Remus needed to tell them. He'd been silent for too many years, on his own.

Harry bounded into the room suddenly, throwing his bag down on the rug.

"Professor Lupin!"

Sirius followed, leaning on the door to the den, "I told you that you can call him Remus, Harry."

"Remus is fine Harry," he started to get up, "It's wonderful to see you."

"Stay down Moony, you're resting." Sirius had a hand on his shoulder before he knew how he had even crossed the room.

"I'm fine. Can't I hug my favorite ex-student?"

Harry hugged Remus somewhat awkwardly, "Sirius told me you were recovering from the full moon. How did it go?"

"It was fine. Your godfather is being a mother hen."

"Excuse me for worrying about you," Sirius muttered something under his breath about "ungrateful" and both Harry and Remus shared a look and laughed.

Harry sat down on the couch opposite Remus and smiled, "It's brilliant that you're going to be around for Christmas. Sirius told me you were in Iceland until he rescued you."

"He told you that he - of course he told you that he rescued me."

"I did!" Sirius protested, "I mean it's bloody cold there."

"You didn't complain the other night." Remus realized only a moment too late how this sounded and he deliberately avoided Sirius' eyes which he knew would be sparkling with barely contained laughter.

"You were in Iceland too?" Harry asked Sirius.

"Yeah, for the full moon. We thought that it would be safer there than here in London. Less chance of running into someone that he could bite after all. We ran the farmland, it was just like the old days eh Moons?"

Remus smiled indulgently, "It was nice to have you there Padfoot. And good that we didn't run into too much trouble."

Harry beamed at the pair of them, "Sirius has told me all about you guys running around Hogwarts at the full moon. It sounds incredible."

"It was. We could have landed in so much trouble."

"That's how you know it was fun Remus."

"I'd love to be an animagus, get to just be free to run around and not be afraid of anything," Harry said.

"It's not like you're invincible Harry" Remus chided but Sirius was having none of it.

"But you feel like it! There's nothing like running as a dog it's not tiring or boring it's _exhilarating_ there are just so many smells and the wind feels…" he trailed off into starry-eyed silence.

Remus smiled softly, "Well that certainly is true."

Remus asked Harry about a million questions about how he was faring at Hogwarts, inquiring after his marks and after Ron and Hermione along with students he liked a little less as well (the Malfoy boy being chief among these). Harry regaled them both with stories of the Triwizard Tournament and the way that Cedric had conquered his dragon. They speculated on what the second task might be and who was most likely to take the Triwizard Cup at the end. Remus had his money on the Bulgarian Seeker but both Sirius and Harry thought this was disloyal.

"You have to cheer for the Hogwarts champion," Harry said for about the fifth time, "that's the whole point of the tournament, to bring the houses together or something."

"I'm not saying I don't hope that Cedric wins, I'm just saying I'm not sure it's the _most likely_ outcome."

"You'd think that he never even been to Hogwarts Harry," Sirius said, shaking his head dramatically. And Remus rolled his eyes.

They had a huge dinner topped off by Harry's favorite treacle tart and then sleepily headed to bed with plans made to take Harry shopping in Diagon Alley in the morning. Harry had to get Christmas gifts for his school mates and new supplies for school as well as some owl treats for Hedwig. He'd never been able to take trips to Diagon Alley over breaks before and he and Sirius were equally giddy to get to Quality Quidditch Supplies and check out the newest brooms and equipment. Remus on the other hand, needed to visit Flourish and Blotts to check out a new book on the wolfsbane potion which he had to start making himself now that Dumbledore wasn't ordering Snape to make it for him.

"Goodnight boys." Sirius waved to the two of them as he climbed the third set of stairs up to his room.

Remus smiled and hugged Harry properly, "I'm so glad to be spending the holidays with you Harry, Sirius and I have so much to tell you about your Mum and Dad. But for now just know that they'd be so proud of the young man you've become."

"Thanks Remus. I'm glad you're here."

"Me too Harry."

Remus turned towards his door and began to open it when Harry spoke again, looking towards the stairs to check if Sirius had made it to his room, "Hey Remus?"

"Mmm?"

"I erm...Sirius asked me not to say anything...but I'm glad that you're my godfather too and well...I just thought I should tell you that."

Remus blushed, he could feel the heat rising in his face, "Wait, what...erm...else did he tell you?"

Harry looked uncomfortable, "I don't want to get in the way or make things weird or anything. But I mean, I can already tell that he's happier with you around. And like I said, I'm proud to have you as my godfather too."

Remus was floored, he opened his mouth, closed it again and took a deep breath, "I wanted to tell you."

Harry shrugged, "It's okay. I understand things are..or were...complicated right? Between the two of you. But we're all getting the chance to start over yeah?"

"Yeah, we are. We're both going to be there for you the way we should have been. That's a promise."

"I'm glad."

"Me too Harry," he hugged Harry again, "Get some sleep okay?"

"You won't tell Sirius that I said anything?"

"Of course not," he felt overwhelmed, "Goodnight."

"Wait, Remus. One more thing?"

Remus stopped, hoping that Harry wasn't about to have some opinion on a relationship that he shouldn't even know about in the first place. It was quite enough that now he knew a fourteen year old was going to be watching Sirius and him for clues as to what was (or was not) happening between them. Remus may have only taught Harry for a year but that year had taught Remus that Harry inherited James' penchant for sticking his nose exactly where it didn't belong. Before Sirius and Remus had gotten together James had been completely insufferable trying to get them both to admit their feelings for one another. He could only hope that the younger Potter had more sense, but the chances were slim.

"I am a bit tired Harry."

"Okay. I just wanted to tell you not to blame yourself."

"For what?"

"All of it."

Remus nearly laughed, the idea that his worry could be turned off like a sink spigot was frankly hilarious. But he knew Harry's intentions were good. They always were.

"I will do my best."

He smiled, opening the door to his room and finally laying his achy body down on the soft mattress. It was several hours before his busy mind let him drift into sleep.

* * *

Five days later Remus rolled over and groaned. He lit his wand and pointed it at the clock opposite the bed which told him it was a 5:22am. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, there was no reason why any of them should be up this early, but clearly Sirius and Harry had decided otherwise. The laughs and loud words of their wrestling and teasing filtered up to the second floor where they had woke Remus out of a deep sleep. He had been dreaming of Hogwarts, of his small office off the DADA classroom, of watching students fly lazily by his window as they practiced with Madam Hooch. It had been a good dream, he remembered the light that had filtered through the window onto his face. Remus tried for a few minutes to block out the noise and slip back into his dream but it was dispersing into nothing as quick as a warm breath in cold air. Just then Sirius gave a particularly loud barking laugh and Harry could be heard shushing him, a noise which was itself quite as loud as the laugh that came before. Remus sighed. As much as he liked the idea of going back to sleep there was nothing for it. They were clearly determined to have Christmas morning come as early as possible.

Remus slid off the bed and placed his feet on the cold wood floor, then threw his dressing gown over his pajamas. He descended the stairs, the noise of laughter louder with every step. When he entered the den he was welcomed by complete disarray. Sirius was sprawled out on the floor in a pair of sweatpants and a ratty old tshirt, his hair in an uncombed mess around him. Harry, in his striped Gryffindor pajamas, was sitting on Sirius' chest, pinning him to the ground, with his arms crossed triumphantly. Around them were stacks of presents of every shape and size, with the humongous Christmas tree they had decorated the night before twinkling behind them.

"You have to surrender!"

"I can't breathe...you little twat." Sirius choked out, his chest struggling to expand under Harry's weight.

"Sorry? What was that?"

"I said I surrender! Get off." Harry rolled off, laughing and Sirius sat up rubbing the spot. Only then did he catch sight of Remus standing there in the doorway with tired eyes and raised eyebrows.

Sirius flashed him a crooked smile. "Look Harry you went and woke up the wolf."

"You know very well that I am a creature of the night and not of the morning." Remus meant it to come out sternly but it sounded a little more whiny than he had intended. He was grumpy and exhausted and did not like being woken up early.

"But it's CHRISTMAS Remus!" Harry called happily, if a little haphazardly. He was perched on the back of the large sofa, one of his feet tapping on the cushions and looking decidedly twitchy. His hair was sticking up in every direction even more than usual. He looked a bit deranged.

"How much tea has he been allowed this morning?"

"Not tea, coffee!" Harry was practically yelling now.

"Woah take it down a few decibels, pup," Sirius laughed. Remus shot a look at Sirius who shrugged, "It is Christmas. Sorry to have woken you."

"Liar. You just wanted to get to presents. You probably encouraged this behavior."

Sirius shrugged but didn't look guilty.

"I have one for you Remus!" Harry brought over a package wrapped in the deepest blue with constellations moving lazily across the wrapping. Remus admired the paper as Kreacher handed him a steaming mug of Irish breakfast tea. "I picked the wrapping because it has you and Sirius in the same sky." Harry blushed a little but persevered in explaining, "See? Here's the dogstar" he pointed to the brightest star on the wrapping, "and there's you in the corner," this time indicating a full moon, "I like that you can see both of you on a clear night."

Remus smiled. He had always liked that too. He remembered sitting in the small living room of their flat and looking out the window as he waited for Sirius to come home from an Order mission. It had been Sirius and James heading out together, Remus was making dinner and keeping an eye on the clock, trying not to worry himself to death. He'd been out there himself several days before, tracking down and tailing a suspected Death Eater. He remembered leaning out of the window of the flat, so that he could keep both Sirius's star and the moon in his field of vision. He felt like if he could just see them both at the same time, keep them together, then Sirius would come back safely. It had been a clear night that night too. And Sirius had come home.

"Aren't you going to open in?" Harry asked as Remus stared at the paper. Remus unwrapped the corners carefully, not wanting to rip through the stars. Inside was a black box. Remus opened it slowly and inside on a sapphire pillow was a silver pocket watch. Remus looked up at Harry in shock to see the young man grinning, "Harry, this, you've spent far too much money."

Harry rolled his eyes, "Don't worry about that, I've never had a family Christmas before. Open it." Remus pushed the button to open the watch and inside were three hands with each of their names on it, one that said Harry, one that said Sirius and one with Remus' own name. Around the edge of the watch were, like the clock that the Weasleys had, a number of locations: Grimmauld Place, Hogwarts, Hogsmede, Traveling, and Danger, among others. All the hands currently pointed to Grimmauld Place. The face of the watch was mostly dark, with perhaps a third of the face white. "It shows the moon phase, see? Sirius and I each have a matching one. Now we can all help keep an eye on one another, even when we're separated. And you know, we'll know when the next full moon is coming."

Remus willed himself to keep it together, but the struggle must have shown on his face because Harry enfolded Remus in his arms, "Happy Christmas Remus."

"Happy Christmas Harry."

Remus had gotten Harry a notebook that was spelled to keep track of your most brilliant or original thoughts (Sirius had laughed, "He'll bring it home at the end of the year and it'll still be empty!" earning him a slap to the back of the head from Remus), a ton of Mars Bars (Harry had confessed he sometimes missed Muggle candy), a book of the best seekers in Quidditch history. Remus and had also gone in on with Sirius on a brand new broomstick, a Firebolt that Harry didn't put down for at least several days after he unwrapped it. In addition to the broomstick Harry received a two-way mirror from Sirius, a fresh pot of invisible ink to pass notes in class, and a whole pile of dungbombs.

Sirius had gotten Remus a huge box of Honeydukes chocolate, a metal bookmark that was spelled to make the book it rested in searchable by voice, socks with the Icelandic flag on them ("well if you love it so much, you should wear it"), and a new kettle that kept your water at the perfect temperature for brewing.

Remus in turn got Sirius new motorcycle boots, a tshirt which featured a German Shepherd wearing sunglasses and was emblazoned with the words "Bad to the Bone" (Sirius laughed so hard at this he had a difficult time breathing and Harry had to thump him on the back to bring him back to his sanity), and a Oyster card loaded with some Muggle money for when Sirius wanted to venture out into Muggle London.

Things had settled down a bit, Harry had come down from his caffeine high and was crashing on one of the large sofas, when Remus retrieved one more box from his room. He considered not giving it to Sirius, they were, after all, trying to keep things casual between them at Remus' request. Sirius hadn't brought up James, or their old relationship, or anything. He was letting Remus have space, time to come around. And Remus appreciated this. The new Sirius Black seemed to have a measure of self-control (just a tiny measure but it was there nevertheless) that the younger Sirius he remembered did not. He stood in the guest room and ran a finger over the red wrapping. He didn't have to break the peace this way, but...something in his gut told him to go ahead. After all, he wanted Sirius to have it. So he steeled his Gryffindor courage and marched back downstairs, reaching around the sitting Sirius to place the box in his lap.

"There was one more thing for you Sirius."

"Aw Moony you did enough already."

"Don't worry, I didn't buy this one, at least not recently. Anyway, you're just not the same without it."

Sirius looked back at him, confused, but didn't comment. He slipped the gold ribbon from the ends of the package and ripped off the paper. Remus was fidgeting, twisting his fingers behind his back and shifting his weight from one leg to the other nervously. There was a good chance that Sirius was going to get emotional, well as much as he ever did, and he was worried that the calm, family atmosphere that had made the day so memorable, so unlike Remus' recent Christmases, would be snapped like a frozen thread.

Sirius pushed aside the tissue and pulled out his jacket. The black leather jacket that Remus had bought him years and years ago on the high street in Camden the very day that they moved into their new flat together. It had been one of the only things that Remus kept out of storage, had moved with him each time he wandered. He wouldn't be able to feel even the slightest bit at home if the jacket weren't slung over the back of a chair or on a peg near the door. It had decorated his chambers at Hogwarts and even more recently had been hung over one of the posts of his little bed in Iceland. He knew it was ridiculous, childish even, but the presence of the jacket had soothed him. Even when he had hated Sirius, cursed him, wanted him dead for what Remus thought he had done to James, to Lily, to Peter, to him, he'd always kept it near him. It made him feel as if the man he loved were still coming back.

Sirius ran his hands over the soft leather, the slightly faded embroidered wolf on the shoulder, the studs that he had added, the two pins on the lapel (one featured the image of a rising phoenix, the other a pink triangle on a black background) and for a long time, he didn't say anything. He brought the jacket to his face and inhaled.

"I thought this was long gone. I can't...wow...holy shit Moony," Sirius, it seemed, was at a loss for words - something that had happened only a handful of times as long as Remus had known him, "When I came back here I looked for it. I don't know why I hoped it was here, I knew if it was anywhere it would be in the flat but I didn't...I haven't gone over there."

"Well, like I said, I don't think you can be your proper self again without it," Remus looked at him smiling and yet, felt a twinge of sadness somewhere at the corners of his eyes, "Aren't you going to see if it still fits?"

Sirius stood and threw the jacket on in one fluid movement, the same movement he practiced a thousand times leaving the house to get cigarettes or groceries or to take Remus out for the night. The jacket settled on his shoulders, which were just slightly smaller than they had been. Though it didn't fit perfectly anymore, Remus had the sudden feeling that he was seeing Sirius for the first time since he had gone to Azkaban - that every interaction they'd had since the Shrieking Shack was a bit unreal. Here was Sirius, his Sirius, at last.

"I'll have to work out a bit, get the shoulders back."

Remus grinned, "It looks perfect Pads."

Sirius closed his eyes for a brief minute, "It smells like you." Remus blushed and opened his mouth to try to explain why he'd had the jacket in the first place, but at that moment Harry finally looked up from his Seeker book and saw Sirius in his jacket.

"Woah! Sirius you look dangerous! That's a brilliant jacket."

"Vintage Harry, that's real quality right there, Remus bought me this jacket when punk was actually dangerous."

Remus sat down and listened to the two of them argue over whether Sirius was old or cool or some combination of the two but he mostly blocked them out. He let out a long sigh. So that might have been what other people would consider 'a moment' and Remus had made it out alive. He tried not to let himself believe that one moment would multiply easily into two or three or even more, but there was a tiny spark of hope that ignited in his chest and today, on Christmas at least, Remus refused to snuff it out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a total trip. Enjoy. Also if you want to follow me on tumblr you can find me under ALMOST [the same user name.](https://professor-riddikulus.tumblr.com/)

On Boxing Day they all (mercifully) slept in. Remus was just heading downstairs at half past ten to have his morning toast and tea when he quite literally ran into a shirtless Sirius.

"Woah there Moony. Careful." Sirius was smiling.

"Hey, erm good morning Sirius." Remus willed himself not to stare at Sirius' chest, covered in tattoos,which though thinner, had lost none of its appeal since Remus had last seen it. You can't g around saying you want to just be mates for a while if you keep giving him sentimental gifts and staring at his incredibly appealing chest.

"Heading down to the kitchen?"

"I thought I might have a bite."

"Hold on, don't go anywhere, I have something for you. Fuck wait here." Sirius left Remus standing on the landing and threw himself back up the stairs to his room. After a few moments he returned with a frame in his hand. He shuffled it back and forth from his left hand to his right a few times before handing it to Remus.

"I wanted to give this to you yesterday, but I didn't know how you'd take it, so I erm...fuck...I just have a copy and I thought...well it means a to to me so I thought you might want one too."

Remus was only half-listening to this waterfall of anxious words because he had turned over the frame and seen the picture inside. His own, sleepy, eighteen-year-old face looked back at him. It was the photo they took the day they moved into their new flat, the one Sirius had insisted on snapping as they were drifting off to sleep on that horrible couch they had. Sirius was bright-eyed and grinning, showing off his canines and messy hair. He was shirtless, as he was in front of Remus now, his tattoos swimming across his chest. Sirius looked in the photo as if someone had just handed him the whole world on a plate, greedy and excited and warm. God he looks so young. We both do. Neither of them had the deep worry lines carved into their face, or in Remus' case the streaks of grey hair along his temples. The younger Remus looked sleepy, utterly satisfied, comfortable, safe, with the smallest hint of disbelief as if he didn't know how he was allowed to have this kind of happiness. He would have given anything in that moment to have that happiness recapture the electricity and ease in equal measure that passed between them in the photo.

Remus looked up and realized that there were tears in his eyes. Sirius was watching him, slightly wary.

"Hey Remus, look shit I'm sorry I didn't know it would make you sad -"

But Remus took one quick step, closed the distance between them and kissed Sirius. There was nothing, Remus decided, like kissing Sirius Black. It was like swimming in a warm rip current that pulled you in and out to sea, a force of nature. It only took a second for the shock to fade from Sirius' body and for him to wrap a strong hand around Remus' waist, pulling Remus against him. Remus' whole body seemed to have grown extra nerves, he was acutely aware of every point of contact between them, each meeting burning itself into his mind until he was totally overloaded and could do nothing but lean on Sirius for support. Sirius deepened the kiss, trailing his teeth across Remus'' bottom lip and Remus give a little "oh" of surprise. Sirius made a noise somewhere between a moan and a growl that sent a shock down Remus' spine and made him acutely aware of how hard he was already. He threaded a hand through Sirius' hair and tugged it just a little bit the way Sirius used to like, pressing further against him. The rest of the world disappeared until there was only the taste of Sirius, the feel of him, the feeling of home. Touching him after thousands of days imagining touching him - it was better than he could have ever imagined. It was like breathing again, like kissing Sirius had jump started his heart from hibernation, he could feel it beating in his throat.

Remus could have stayed like that forever, could have never let go of this man, his anchor. But there was a rustling on the landing behind Sirius and Remus realized that they were making out on the landing right between his bedroom and Harry's. He pulled away from a reluctant Sirius almost at the exact same time as Harry opened his bedroom door to see his two godfathers pink in the face and a bit breathless. Remus was still holding the photo Sirius had given him in his hand and he put it behind his back under the scrutiny of the surprised teenager.

Harry smirked at them, Sirius was looking at the floor, not helping their charade at all.

"Oh well good morning godparents," Harry said in the voice he usually reserved for sassing Snape, "I hope you two are staying out of trouble?" His eyes lingered a bit on Sirius' mussed hair and Remus' bright pink cheeks, "So I'm just going down to the kitchen for at least an hour now."

And with that he turned and left the landing, Sirius and Remus staring after him.

"When did he get so-?"

"He's been living with you too long already Padfoot."

"Don't blame me, he's James' kid, some of this is genetic."

"Some of it."

They looked at each other for a long moment and the awkward emotional tension that had stretched between them since Remus left Hogwarts began to creep back into his mind. He'd just kissed Sirius. Kissed him after he told him that he wanted to take things slow. More than that, he searched his mind and realized that in no way did he regret it at all. He'd do it again if he had the chance.

Sirius was looking at him intensely and Remus smiled a little half-smile at him, "That was..erm…"

"Incredibly unexpected and deliciously sexy?" Sirius offered.

"Yes. Exactly that."

"Hey Remus? It's okay if you still think I'm devilishly handsome. I really can't blame you."

"Shut up Sirius."

"I mean but you can't resist can you?"

"And why the fuck should I?"

"What kind of language is that for a professor?"

"Ex-professor."

Sirius kissed him this time, soft, smooth and almost romantic compared to the hungry heat of their first kiss. It was short, Sirius pulled away just at the moment that he knew would leave Remus wanting a bit more. This was how he operated, Remus remembered, he was a notorious tease and needed lots and lots of positive feedback. But when he committed, wow did he commit.

Sirius smiled, "We should probably go downstairs."

Remus sighed, "I suppose we should. Don't want to give that little punk any ideas."

"I mean I think he already has the gist."

Remus rolled his eyes, but they trooped down to the kitchen where Kreacher was making Harry a huge pile of scrambled eggs and bacon. To his credit, Harry didn't say anything more about nearly catching Sirius and Remus lip-locked on the landing, instead he merely gave them both a knowing look before launching into an idea to apparatus out to the countryside to play one-on-one quidditch with Sirius.

"Or we could go two-on-one?" He asked, looking at Remus.

"You and Remus against me?" Sirius clarified.

"Don't be ridiculous. I can take the both of you easy." Harry laughed and Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah?"

Remus knew where this was going and wanted to avoid an argument, "I think I'll just come watch. I've got some reading to do anyway."

So an hour later the three of them apparated far enough outside London that they could set up some wards in a field to disguise their game from the muggles. They chose the back of an open field, dotted with rocks and a few flat boulders for Remus to sit on and with just enough trees on the edge to make Remus feel less like they were going to get caught. At the north end of the field was a tiny stream that was iced over, and near it was a large boulder on which Remus cuddled under a warm blanket to read. Sirius and Harry set some makeshift hoops up and Harry flew circles around Sirius for several chilly hours. Sirius, to his credit, did much better than Remus expected considering he probably hadn't been on a broom in ages.

They had lunch in the field, after which Sirius changed into Padfoot to startle and chased a couple of rabbits, barking madly and tripping over his own feet in the process. Remus and Harry watched him ambling around, periodically yelling to him about which direction the rabbits had gone when he lost them.

Harry was leaning back on his arms, face turned towards the winter sun. Sirius came back to the rock and curled up, as Padfoot, with his head on Remus' lap. Remus ran his hands through the silky black fur almost absentmindedly, scratching him behind the ears. They sat in happy silence for a bit, and just when it was starting to get a bit too cold, even in their thick coats, Harry broke the silence.

"So, the Marauders, which by the way guys is a stupid name, you all became animagi when you were what, sixteen?"

"Fifteen, wasn't it Padfoot?"

Sirius had stood up and walked opposite them before turning back into his human self and taking a seat, "Yup, we started attempting it in fourth year but it took a little while, I think we could all transform by midway through fifth."

"How do you do it?" Harry asked eagerly.

"It's a fucking process, let me tell you. There's all this weird meditation and visualization, complex stages of spellwork, and then there's the month that you have to keep a Mandrake leaf in your mouth."

Remus laughed, "You should have seen them Harry, they of course didn't time it so that they'd be doing the Mandrake bit over break, instead they had to cook up this crazy vow of silence. It was honestly the quietest month we ever spent at Hogwarts."

"McGonagall was so pleased after she stopped trying to figure out what we were protesting."

"Yeah and when James started speaking again you could see the depression set in once again." Remus laughed.

"I wonder what kind of animal I'd be."

Sirius looked at him, his head cocked a bit to the side, doglike, "I think a lot of the time people have animagus forms that are the same as their Patronus, so you might be a stag like James."

Remus cut in, "But not always. There are lots of examples where there was a deviation in forms between the two."

Harry beamed, "It would be nice to know."

Remus had a feeling he knew where this was going, and it was starting to make him a bit nervous.

"Would you teach me Sirius?" Harry asked, staring excitedly into his godfather's face.

Remus knew it. He had known ever since the first night that Harry came home for the holidays. Every time that Sirius turned into Padfoot, Harry's eyes would light up. He had wanted to know about all their adventures at Hogwarts but especially those ones that featured them turning into animals. The way Sirius talked about it, being a dog gave him a sense of freedom that he didn't get anywhere else, it quieted the human tendencies to worry, to be stressed or sad about abstract things, it was a mental and emotional release. Of course, transforming into an animal was a decidedly different prospect for Remus. Sure he loved running with Sirius on the nights of the full moon, but he would still give anything not to have to. The problem was, if he knew Sirius at all, he was going to jump at the idea.

"You really want to learn pup?"

"Yeah, I mean why the hell not?"

Remus raised his eyebrows, "Are you sure that's a good idea Sirius?" his voice very clearly indicated that he did not, in fact, think it was a good idea.

Sirius brushed this off, "Of course! He's talented he'll figure it out quick with me guiding him."

"I have no doubt he'd be capable-"

"So what's the problem? Can you imagine we could all run the full moon together in the summers."

This was the problem.

"Sirius," there was warning in his tone this time, "you should think this over."

Harry glanced from Remus to Sirius and back as if he were watching a tennis match.

"I am thinking it over. And I think it would be brilliant Moons. I don't know why this is an issue."

"Because he's too young-"

"The same age as Prongs and I were-"

"And the two of you were idiots back then if you remember, Padfoot."

"I don't remember you complaining, especially because we did it for you to begin with."

This stung and Remus looked down at his hands for a moment to gather himself. His eyes followed a thin white scar that becan where his pinky joined his hand and wrapped around his wrist near his pulse point. He rubbed it absentmindedly with his other hand, feeling the bumps and ridges of torn and repaired skin.

"Perhaps," he said with an air of forced calm, "it's time to go back to the house. It's getting cold."

"You can say that again," Harry said, but Sirius shot him a look and he didn't say anything else until they had apparated back to Grimmauld Place. Harry scampered up to his room with some vague words about a book that he wanted to get to which must have been a complete lie, but it was all for the best because when Remus entered the kitchen after Sirius, Sirius rounded on him. Remus had seen that hard look in Sirius' eyes before, the grey turning to steel. When he was angry was when you saw the stuck-up posh boy come out of Sirius. He tilted his head slightly back, emphasizing those aristocratic cheekbones, and flexed his jaw and shoulders. Remus hated it, it not only meant that he was in for a fight, it was a reminder of the life that Sirius had, the life that that Remus never even dreamed of.

"So tell me why the fuck you're so bent out of shape about making him a Marauder? It's his birthright!"

"Oh now we're making him a Marauder?" Remus spat, "Christ Sirius he's fourteen."

"So what?"

"So even if he turns out to be a stag he's not going to be James, you can't put that kind of monumental expectation on a kid."

"Who said I was expecting anything?"

"You want to have adventures like the old days, I get it Sirius, I really do but-"

"Do you really get it Moony? Because freedom might mean something fucking different to me than to you."

"You could get him in a load of trouble, with the Ministry Sirius! And in case you forgot," Remus' voice was rising, "the fact that you and Peter weren't registered got you into a fair bit of trouble until recently! The Ministry never knew they were looking for a-"

"And the fact that I wasn't registered is the whole fucking reason I could get out of Azkaban too, otherwise you all would have let me bloody rot there."

The words hit Remus like a whip. He couldn't believe Sirius was trying to throw Azkaban in his face, like he should have known, like Remus had some information that he just never acted on. Like he wanted Sirius to be stuck in that hellhole for years. Remus narrowed his eyes, "Don't talk to me like that Sirius."

"I'll talk to you however the fuck I want."

"I didn't put you there."

"You were pretty fucking quick to believe that I killed James fucking Potter, Lupin." These words exited Sirius like they were poison being drawn from a wound. He almost whispered them, and each one was full of as much venom as could be squeezed into each syllable.

Remus took a step back. "What the fuck was I supposed to think, Black?"

"You should have had some faith in me!"

"How dare you."

"Well you should have."

"How dare you fucking say something like that to me. You fucking asshole. You have no idea what I went through when you didn't come back, when I found out! What the fuck were you doing chasing down Peter Pettigrew by yourself?!"

"I wanted to kill the little fuck who had killed my brother."

"You didn't stop to think for one fucking second that maybe that was a bad idea? No, fucking Sirius Black can take anyone on single-handedly. You never thought maybe you should come home and tell me what the fuck was going on?!"

"Don't come at me like you know what the hell was going on Lupin. Don't fucking even think it."

"I was waiting for you! I waited for hours!"

"Oh and a few hours of torment really compares-"

"Shut the FUCK up Sirius! For once in your fucking life you shut your fucking mouth and listen to me!"

This actually had the desired effect. Sirius looked momentarily thrown off balance by the force of Remus' yelling, and Remus took the opportunity to let it all spill out.

"A few hours?! Fuck you. I had to hear about James and Lily from a fucking MINISTRY EMPLOYEE WHO CAME TO TELL ME YOU'D KILLED THEM! You...should have come home to me you fucking shit...you should have been the one to tell me. You left me Sirius. You left me fucking alone. For years." Tears were streaming down his face at this point and his voice cracked from the strain of screaming. But Sirius wasn't ready to back down either. They had opened this chasm between them - now they were falling down into the broken abyss of rock and stale air and they had not yet neared the bottom.

"You didn't have to fucking see them Remus. You didn't hold James' fucking burned body in your hands. You didn't smell the fucking singed hair and the stench of Dark Magic. You have no idea…" Sirius was crying too, "you have no idea what it was like to step into that miserable house. So don't you yell at me about reasonable decisions, I was out of my mind! You have no idea what that kind of hell is like. I do, I've been fucking living it over and over for years."

"But I could have helped you! You should have come home Sirius. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have to hate the person you love most in the whole damn world? It ripped my fucking heart out every day. I felt like I was dying, no worse than that!"

"You know what, fuck you Remus. You should have stood up for me. You looked me in the bloody eyes at the trial and walked away while I BEGGED. How could you think I did it?"

"How could I NOT?! You didn't tell me anything! We were barely speaking for months before that! If you'd just come HOME, if you'd just EXPLAINED. You should have trusted me! How could you be so fucking reckless with the other fucking people that needed you?! You had me! You had Harry!"

"Don't bring him into this shit!"

"And why not?"

"Because where the hell have you been for him the last thirteen years? Huh? Do you have ANY FUCKING idea the way those Muggles treated him?"

"I don't-"

"No! You don't. Because you never even fucking bothered to check on James' SON. They were abusing him, keeping him locked up in a cupboard, barely feeding him, hitting him, forcing him to do all their housework, letting their kid kick the crap out of him."

"What was I supposed to do Sirius, I didn't have a job-"

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING. Fucking anything Remus. James trusted you!"

Remus said nothing. They were both breathing heavy from screaming at one another, and Sirius was gripping the kitchen table so hard that his hands looked like they might bruise. Remus was crying so hard that his vision was swimming, and all the strength seemed to have gone out of

"Fuck you Sirius. You left. You fucking left."

"Yeah for a fucking reason. I did something. What the fuck did you do, Remus?"

"I survived without you. And I can do it again."

With that, Remus turned and walked out of the kitchen. He was wrong to come in the first place, there was too much hatred to patch over with a photo and a leather jacket. And Sirius would never understand.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might expect, a lot of feelings in this one. Don't say that I didn't warn you. I hope to have the next chapter up before the end of the week as this one is a bit of a bridge. I am a pleb and own none of these beautiful beings.

The snow on the ground squeaked and crunched beneath Remus' feet as he walked briskly down the street and around the corner. It was night now, and the wind was whipping up the snowflakes to whirl them around in little eddies that bumped softly against Remus' boots. He had pulled the collar of his coat up but he was still shivering, his eyes red and swollen from crying. He was glad that the street was largely empty, most were indoors avoiding the cold and relaxing with family after the holiday. He wiped away some of the freezing tears with the back of his hands. _Pull yourself together Lupin_.

He had left Grimmauld Place not ten minutes after he left an infuriated Sirius standing in the kitchen. Remus didn't know what else to do but to run. He didn't know how to tell Sirius, how to make him see what it had been like for him in the years since they had been separated. He carried that despair, the despair of losing in one night the love of his life and all his best friends, the only people that had stood up for him in a world that openly despised him. That despair, though some days it felt easier to ignore, had hardened over the years, a worry stone that he would run his mind over and over until it was as smooth as a gemstone. And then Sirius had been innocent, had come back, and all the jagged edges that Remus had sanded down through touch returned and it was cutting him up from the inside once again.

He knew that Sirius had been right in ways too, knew that he should have been there for Harry. It wasn't as if it hadn't been on his mind. Every time he saw a kid running down the street with messy black hair he thought of his godson, what he had lost when James and Lily were killed, what James would think of Remus leaving his son to be raised by the Muggles that despised magic. The ones that Lily always spoke of with a wavering pain in her voice, as though talking about them was like tonguing a wound in your mouth that wouldn't heal. He had even gone so far as to write Dumbledore one year, when Harry would have been about six. That year had seemed like it was going well. He had gotten a job at a Muggle bookstore, had saved a bit of money and had a feeling he was going to be able to keep the job. He thought that maybe he'd be able to at least visit Harry, to give him some presents, to let him know that one of his mother and father's friends cared, to tell him about them and how much they loved him. Dumbledore, however, refused to tell him where Harry was.

"One of the reasons Harry was placed with the Dursley's was to provide him with a stable upbringing. I am glad to hear of your employment, but your condition Remus, means that you may be a disruptive force in Harry's life. You will remember we decided to let Harry grow up unaware of his magic, I do not believe that it would be easy for you to conceal yours or to avoid letting something slip if you were to visit him."

The words had cut into Remus. Dumbledore, for all his kindness towards Remus in school, had never truly believed that Remus could hide his condition, that he had the same level of control as other wizards. Sure he would give Remus a teaching job, but he would keep a close eye on him, and he certainly never came to the rescue for all those years that Remus had struggled. And he thought that just _having_ Remus around would be too tumultuous for Harry. Remus imagined that Harry had a fairly normal Muggle upbringing, so he tried to smooth away the sharp edges of Dumbledore's prejudice and continued on.

He shifted his bag and stopped, realizing all at once that he was here. The Camden flat. He looked at the door, the black paint and brass numbers still looking fresh thanks to the spells that he had cast on the place years ago when he left. Under the numbers was a little brass plaque with the names "Black and Lupin" etched in neat letters. When he had left the flat years ago he knew in some small part of his mind that he'd be back, and so he'd done some complicated spellwork to maintain the inside and outside of the house in the state that he left it. He fumbled in his bag and pulled out a small matching brass key which he stuck in the lock but didn't turn. Instead he pulled out his wand and tapped the key with it.

"Remus Lupin" he said, his voice hoarse from yelling. And the door swung open as if it hadn't been thirteen years since he'd been there.

Remus walked through and into the stairway, closing the door against the snow and wind outside. He mussed his hair and stamped his boots to dislodge the snow that had clumped up as he walked. Remus lit the lights with a flick of his wand and cast a heating charm that he hoped would at least take the chill off the abandoned flat. Slowly, as though his feet were cast in lead, Remus dragged his exhausted body up the stairs as he had so many times before - coming back from getting groceries, coming home from work, or drinks with Sirius. This, more than any place he had ever lived (except perhaps Hogwarts) had felt like home.

He reached the top of the stairs and looked around. There was his favorite leather armchair, still pointed towards the fireplace. There was the battered old sofa, with its rips repaired. There was the soft fuzzy white rug that Sirius had insisted upon, where he used to like to sleep curled up as Padfoot. There was the coffee table that they had found on the street a few blocks down that they had painted black. There were the framed posters of Sirius' favorite rock groups on the wall, his record player still hooked up below, an empty glass standing near it. There was the bookshelf, now mostly empty, which had been overflowing with both Muggle and wizarding books alike, so full that the top shelf was slightly bowed even now.

Remus couldn't move. He was paralyzed by the smell and the sights of the flat, the place that had seen both his happiest and most devastating moments. It smelled like them. Like Sirius' cologne, his cooking, his breath against Remus as they slept. Like Remus' parchment, his tea-dunked biscuits, his laughter at playing fetch with Padfoot. All the strength drained from Remus' limbs and he found himself sliding down the wall near the stairs until his knees were drawn to his chest and he was sitting on the hardwood floor. The tears that had been fueled by anger, now turned to despair. He was sobbing, sobbing for his small, hopeful heart - sobbing because there was no love in his life that was going to last, there was no way to undo the years of bitterness and hatred that he had used as armor to guard against feeling his losses too deeply. He sobbed for the hatred flung casually his way from past employers, from people who might have been friends. He sobbed for the sounds of his bones breaking every full moon, for the scars, both inside and outside, that he never bothered to heal. He thought that Sirius coming back, Sirius' innocence, may have changed him. It may have given him a reason to believe that tides turn, that he would find some measure of peace to guide him. He thought that Sirius' mere presence could be a salve, could roll back time and erase the weights of poverty and loneliness that made it impossible for him to stand up straight. _I should have known_ , he thought mournfully, letting himself succumb entirely to the grief until he could barely breathe and his body shook, _that a monster's life is not marked for happiness_. He gripped his knees, trying to find some measure of stability, but his body had always betrayed him. There was no safety there.

 _He's always going to hate me_. _I let them all down. I didn't believe him, I wasn't there for Harry_. He let the memories of Sirius' livid face wash over him. _I don't deserve them_. No matter how hard he tried, there was always going to be something of the monster in him. _It should have been me. It should have been me instead of James or Lily. It should have been me instead of Sirius in Azkaban all those years._

What seemed like hours later his body stopped shaking and the tears dried up and he realized that his limbs were stiff from sitting on the floor. So Remus, now in a daze, half-awake, half-alive wandered into the bedroom, where he fell asleep on Sirius' pillow. A pillow that still smelled like the boyfriend he had loved, and the life that he had lost.

* * *

Sirius paced back and forth in the kitchen, making tea, then pouring it out, opening the biscuit tin and then closing it again. He had so much rage-fueled energy coursing through his body he didn't know how to let it out. He banged a fist on the table, "Fuck" somehow the word didn't even begin to get at the swirling inferno of shit churning in his chest. "Fuck fuck goddamnit."

He couldn't understand why the hell Lupin was fighting him! He thought that something was happening between them, that they were going to be a team again, they were going to have the chance to fix this thing that was broken between them. Sirius had been ready to forget, to forgive Remus for not believing in him. _Why couldn't he have just left it alone?_ _Who is he to lecture me about how to raise Harry?_ After all, the first thing that Sirius had done when he left Azkaban was to check on Harry, to make sure that he was safe. He called the Knight Bus, made sure that Harry was well-looked after, and then went after Peter to continue to keep him safe.

And where did Remus get off arguing that Sirius left him? It wasn't like he had wanted to be dragged away to prison, he hadn't been thinking straight. No one would be after what he had seen that night!

_He found him. Between the charred but standing door frame leading from the living room to the hall. He was burned to the point of being unrecognizable, but Sirius would have recognized him no matter what. Months, years, decades would pass before he forgot the smell. The tears started to fall from his face before he even realized that he was crying, they cut wet trails through the smokey dust that had already covered his cheeks. He wiped his face hard with one sleeve and fell down on his knees next to his best friend. He reached out to touch him, but couldn't bring himself to hold the burned and sizzling flesh. All his senses were slow, as if someone had turned off the input. He didn't feel the heat from the scorched concrete against his knees, didn't hear the timbers still cracking, couldn't even feel the stinging smoke in his eyes anymore. His brother was dead. Dead because Sirius had let the rat in deeper._

No. He wasn't going to relive that anymore. He didn't need to, not now that the dementors weren't siphoning off the good memories. He had some of them back now. Running the full moon with James and Remus, teaming up with Lily to scare the shit out of James as he studied for exams, the smell of her perfume as she tutored Sirius in Charms, James laughing as they all sat at the side of the lake drinking Remus' whiskey well into the golden twilight during their last year at Hogwarts.

Remus had no idea what he'd been through, had no idea what it was like to replay those memories, that fucking guilt over and over in his head until he could see James' body in his cell whether his eyes were open or closed. He had no idea what it was like to lose every piece of you in a slow drip of madness, your only defense to retreat into the mind of an animal. Now he just wandered into Sirius' fucking life and had the nerve to tell him how to care for Harry? Had the nerve to try and fucking say that Sirius should have thought about him? He had thought of nothing else for years, he loved that fucking man and Remus had believed, really believed that Sirius wasn't just a murderer but that he murdered his brother, his godson! As if Sirius could ever hurt a fucking kid, let alone James' son!

It wasn't that Sirius was stupid. He knew he should have gone back to his Moony that night. He knew that Remus had been there for him no matter what, he had instantly realized that he had fucked things up. For months he had suspected Remus, had believed that perhaps Remus was the one passing information over to the enemy. After all, Remus had gone for some time to live with the werewolves, and when he came back he had been like another person, withdrawn, irritable, depressed even. He was always ready to lash out, always incredibly anxious about where Sirius was going on missions. Sirius had thought...he had thought maybe the werewolves had gotten to him. Maybe being in a colony that accepted him, no, that celebrated him, had made Moony think twice about working to overthrow Voldemort. It had been agony, going to bed each night beside the warm body of the man that he loved the most, kissing him, holding him, and all the time wondering whether that man would be willing to sell secrets to the most evil wizard that the world had seen.

And now, when Sirius looked back at it all, it seemed absurd. Of course Remus was edgy. They all were. James was practically out of his mind pacing a hole in the rug of that stupid cottage where he was locked up for his own protection, Sirius was trying to protect his friends from dying, Remus was spending months with wolves that wanted to have free reign to maul small children, children like Remus had been. So then, that night, when Sirius had found James and Lily's bodies, he couldn't go home, he had to kill Peter, to take care of his mistake. How was he supposed to go home to Remus, who had always loved and trusted him, and tell him that he had believed Remus was the spy? How could he explain that he'd let those old fucking pureblood prejudices sneak back in?!

He knew that it must have killed Remus to stand at that trial, to believe that Sirius had betrayed them, betrayed him. He had seen the pain in Remus' eyes, pain so deep that he had held himself as if he had been physically wounded, his shoulders slumped, his eyes red and raw, his limbs heavy. Sirius had wanted nothing more but to take that pain from him, to make it his own. But they hadn't had a chance to speak, hadn't even had a moment to say goodbye. And he knew that Remus suffered while he was gone. He had watched the changing of time by keeping an eye on the moon phase tattoo on his wrist. Every full moon his heart broke knowing that Remus would be waking alone, bruised, broken, probably having slashed open his own flesh. He had imagined what it would be like if he had taken Harry instead of handing him over to Hagrid. Had wondered what kind of family the three of them would make together if he hadn't gone after Peter. He grieved for the years that the three of them had lost together, for the way Harry had grown up when he could have grown up with two loving parents who would have treasured him. Sirius ran his hands through his hair, wiping the tears from his face. If only he had just stopped to think for one _fucking_ second back on that night in October. Now he'd had a glimpse, a family Christmas, and he'd immediately gone and fucked it up over a fucking animagus transformation.

Kreacher entered the room, looking at once resentful and a bit timid. Sirius turned on him, practically snarling, "What the hell do you want?"

"The werewolf left a letter for you Master." Kreacher held out a hand so ancient, it could have been carved from wood, "Kreacher thought you would want it, you are seeming angry though Kreacher knows the house is better without the monster so near to Master Harry."

"Oh do I seem angry?" Sirius nearly kicked the elf. He would have, if he hadn't promised Harry that he would make more of an effort to be kind to the little shit, "Get the fuck out." Kreacher scurried away.

His name was written hastily on the outside, in Remus' round, wide letters. He opened the envelope and pulled out a scrap of parchment, on it there was only five words in the same handwriting: "You know where I am" followed by Remus' initials. He looked into the envelope and pulled out the other object, which turned out to be a brass key. Attached to it was a faded piece of black leather that Sirius had tied there which was stamped with silver paw prints. He sighed.

All the anger drained out of him and he sat down on the bench of the kitchen table. Remus had never dealt with conflict well, he had been afraid as a child of getting too angry and hurting someone, always afraid of his own power, even when it wasn't close to the full moon. This had meant that, when facing off with Sirius' legendary temper, Remus would often hit a point where he couldn't fight anymore and he would be the one to leave to give them space to think things through. Sirius sighed again, he couldn't believe that they were still fighting the same way that they used to. He knew he had said some things that Remus would take to heart. Remus always believed the worst of himself. It was all so fucked up.

Sirius stood and grabbed his coat off the rack in the corner of the kitchen and Harry poked his head in the door.

"Are you okay Sirius?"

Sirius tried to smile, "Yeah it'll be okay Harry."

"I'm sorry I asked about the animagus thing-"

Sirius looked him dead in the eye and put a hand on his shoulder, "You did absolutely nothing wrong. Trust me okay? It really isn't about the animagus thing. Moony and I just, have a complicated past."

Harry smiled but still looked worried, "Yeah I heard. Is there something I can do to help?"

"No no don't even worry about it. We're going to work it out, okay?"

"You're going to talk to him? How are you going to find him?"

"I'm Sirius Black that's how," Sirius winked at him, making Harry laugh, "I'll floo you and let you know what's going on, okay?"

"Don't worry about it Sirius, I'll see you tomorrow or something when you come back."

Sirius clapped Harry on the back, "Good lad."

Sirius threw his coat on and turned up the collar. He was trying to remember, it had been a long time, exactly what the area around the flat looked like. In the end, he settled on apparating to the alley behind their old favorite pub and walked the rest of the way. They'd both made mistakes. Remus shouldn't have believed the worst of him, he should have tried to be there for Harry even if it were just in small ways. And Sirius hadn't come back to Remus before, when he should have taken a moment to master his temper, should have swallowed his pride and worked through their grief together. This time, he wasn't going to leave Remus alone.

It took him nearly forty minutes to find the flat, it was late at night at that point and Sirius could see a light on in the bedroom window. His pulse sped up, he was nervous and that didn't surprise him, but the level of panic that he felt outside the door, staring at the sign with his last name on it, was ridiculous.

"Are you a fucking Gryffindor or not?" he asked quietly to the street, "Come on, stop being a complete fucking coward. It's just Moony."

He put his key in the lock and tapped it with his wand, "Sirius Black". The door swung open.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter yet, and fair warning, contains some pretty dang long and explicit smut. Please enjoy :) If Rowling would like to give me these boys, I would gladly take them. Until then, I guess I won't quit my day job.

Sirius climbed the stairs into the apartment, and he could tell immediately that Remus was there somewhere. He'd always had a sixth sense when Remus was nearby, even before they had started dating. He ran a hand through his long hair when he reached the top of the stairs. He hadn't been here in thirteen years - remembered the very last moment that he saw the flat. Remus had been sitting in his chair, the leather chair near the fireplace, working through some new Muggle book and Sirius had been heading out to the Potters'. He had stood on that fluffy rug and bent down to kiss Remus.

"Are you sure you should go this late? The sun's about to go down." Remus had asked him.

"Since when was I afraid of the dark?"

"I'm just saying, you can always go tomorrow."

"Sure but you know how James gets. He's so antsy it's driving me out of my mind, I can't even imagine how Lily hasn't strangled him." Sirius had replied.

"Okay. Be safe. I love you. Straight there and back okay?"

"Of course _Dad_."

Now Sirius stared a bit forlornly at the chair, which was empty. The house looked like someone had packed it in a hurry. Remus hadn't taken the furniture out, hadn't even packed away all the books or the records, but he must have preserved the place because it didn't smell like it had lay empty for thirteen years, it smelled the same way it did that night when Sirius set off.

Sirius didn't see Remus, wondered if he were even in the flat, so he did a quick _homenum revelio_ which told him that there was indeed someone in the bedroom. He crossed the flat quietly, avoiding the planks in the wood floor that he remembered as especially creaky, and pushed the door to the bedroom open just enough to peer though.

The bed was draped in blankets and a thick comforter, inky blue with golden triangles on it. And under this comforter was a Remus-shaped lump whose heavy breathing told Sirius that he was asleep. Sirius entered the room with less caution than before. Moony slept like the dead, like he'd never slept before, and it was notoriously difficult to rouse him. Sirius often wondered if he hadn't acquired this quirk out of necessity while at Hogwarts. James and Sirius were forever staying up into the early hours of the morning, joking and avoiding their homework, and Remus must have learned to sleep through a certain level of noise.

He walked around to the far side of the bed and saw Remus, cuddled up on his side under at least three blankets, his mouth slightly open as he breathed heavily. His eyes were red, as if he'd been crying a long time or rubbing them. But just looking at him, resting finally, Sirius softened. This man, he'd always been there for Sirius, he'd understood the rebellious teenager that Sirius was before Sirius had himself understood. He'd always looked after him, bringing extra quills or holding him back from what would be a nasty fight. Remus had been the architect of all the best-laid-plans in Sirius' life. Not just the mischief they got up to in school but all their adventures after as well. Sirius smoothed a piece of sandy hair streaked with grey out of Remus' face. If anything, he was getting better with age, Sirius decided firmly. The grey fit him, gave him a kind of gravitas. He was still, without a doubt, the most handsome creature Sirius had ever seen. His large, round eyes and heavy eyelids always meant that he seemed, to the untrained eye, slightly sleepy or slightly bored as if, with a mind as sharp as his, there was nothing that could possibly surprise him. Those soft eyes contrasted with a strong, almost pointed jaw and the heavy scars slashed across the left side of that jaw and neck. The scars made him look slightly dangerous, like he'd fought off a beast, which in a way, Sirius supposed, he had.

Sirius didn't want to wake him, but he also wasn't going back to Grimmauld Place without sorting things out. He dithered on the spot for a moment, not sure whether to stay or go. Would Moony be annoyed if he spent the night? If he did it in the bed? Would Harry be okay until morning? In the end, Sirius split the difference, climbing into bed as Padfoot and slowly pushing his fuzzy face against Remus' back. Remus turned, still asleep, to pull Padfoot closer to him, one hand tangled itself in the thick fur at the base of the dog's neck, and Padfoot inhaled Remus' scent, amplified a hundred times by the dog's keen nose. The thought floated through his head as Sirius drifted off to sleep, a bit simplified by the dog's brain but still utterly and completely true: _This is right. This is good. This is where I'm supposed to be._

* * *

Remus opened his eye slowly. Sun was streaming in through the gaps in the curtains over the window opposite the bed, casting the whole room in a dappled glow. He had a moment of confusion where he didn't realize where he was. Then, as it dawned on him that he was in the Camden flat, he wondered briefly if he was still asleep. It wouldn't be the first time he dreamed of being here on a warm morning, waking up curled around Sirius.

It was about the time that he realized that no, it was not a dream, that he also realized there was something warm and heavy on his hip. He turned his head and was face-to-face with a sleeping Padfoot, who had rested his head there, the rest of his body splayed out across the bed. He was snoring softly, his huge paws twitching as he chased something in his sleep and as Remus watched he periodically let out little quiet whining yips as if he were barking at whatever he was chasing. Remus sighed, he knew Sirius would come after him, that's why he'd left the note after all. He did want to fix things, to figure out if they could be fixed. But he was exhausted, drained from his crying last night and his eyes still felt warm and red. It was too soon, he wasn't prepared, didn't know what he wanted to say - he didn't know if he was happy Sirius was there or if he'd rather that he weren't. He hadn't imagined that Sirius would come to get him so soon. He smiled softly at the sleeping dog, _maybe it means something that he did_.

And waking up, in this flat, with Sirius snuggled up to him - it was more than a dream, it was a fantasy that had followed Remus for all those years. To have something normal again, to have a safe place and the man who loved him. To have simple, small things like shared cups of tea or trips to the store together. To hold his hand, to wake up in his arms. To worry together about which plates to buy or what color to paint the walls in the living room. To have a place where he could finally let the tension slip from his shoulders instead of looking over them constantly, waiting for the moment that someone found out what he really was.

Remus awkwardly leaned back a bit so that he could reach his arm over Padfoot's head and softly stroke the silky fine fur around the dog's ears. Padfoot stopped whining and twitching instantly and let out a long puppy sigh. Remus rubbed behind his ears in circular motions and Padfoot gradually came out of sleep, eventually opening his deep, dark eyes and staring into Remus' own. They sat like that for a moment or two, just looking at one another before Padfoot removed his head from Remus and jumped off the bed. A half a second later, there was Sirius, still dressed in the same clothes he was in the night before, which made Remus conscious of the fact that he was just in a tshirt and short pajama bottoms.

Sirius looked nervous, he pulled his hair back and realized that he didn't have a hair-tie. Remus gestured to the side table on the other side of the bed - _Sirius' side_.

"There's one over there."

Sirius caught sight of the abandoned hair elastic and grabbed it, "Thanks" he sat down on the bed close to Remus, folding his legs under himself and looking everywhere but directly at Remus. The seconds stretched into minutes and neither one of them spoke until the silence grew so thick and heavy between them it had started to penetrate their chests and made it hard to breathe normally.

"This is awkward, isn't it?" Sirius grinned over at Remus, who rolled his eyes but couldn't stop a smile from pulling at the corners of his mouth.

"It sure is. Do you, erm, want to talk about things?"

Sirius sighed, "No. You know I don't. But I think we should."

"Is it worth it Sirius? I mean, it isn't like things are going to go back to the way they were."

"Merlin, shut the hell up Remus, what do you mean it's not worth it? Are you going to start moaning about how you're a monster or some shit? 'Cause we've done that song and dance routine before. It's a bit old."

"So are we." Remus smiled a bit but wouldn't meet Sirius' eyes.

"Speak for yourself, Moons. I'm not the one with grey hair."

Remus said nothing, he looked down at the old blanket covering him and picked at a few of the loose fibers, trying to figure out how he could phrase what he was thinking. Somehow, in the light of the morning, all the anger and sadness and self-loathing that had collapsed on him the night before felt muddied, tangled up like a web that he couldn't undo, or even follow the threads. He picked at the blanket a bit more, opened his mouth, then closed it again.

Sirius fidgeted, but stepped in, "Look Moony. I'm sorry about all that stuff I said."

"You don't have to apologize Sirius, I mean you're not wrong."

"And neither were you," he ran a hand through his hair, messing the bun he'd just put in place.

"I don't even know where to start."

"Just talk to me. Just talk and I'll listen."

Remus took a deep breath and looked at Sirius. He was beautiful, even now, even after those years in Azkaban had chiseled away at his youth, he was breathtaking. The angles of his face, his strong jaw, the stubble collected there, the dark stray hairs that fell around his face - he looked like something out of an old Renaissance painting. Better suited for the frame than for real life. Remus could have easily lost himself in those grey eyes that seemed to shift color based on Sirius' mood. He wanted nothing more than to kiss him, to make it all go away. To forget the heavy air between them.

"I just…Sirius I needed you. You were my lifeline," Remus looked away, "You looked at me and saw something of value. And I just, I lost all of my people at the same time. I think a part of me never really thought that you had done it, always hoped there'd be some way that you'd come back to me. But you have to understand just how, how fucking angry I was. I was livid. I was shaking with rage and grief and yeah, I just wanted someone to be punished."

Sirius was nodding, but true to his word, he said nothing.

"I felt so betrayed. When they told me you did it I didn't believe it. But then I started thinking about how strained things had been between us, how...I don't know...it sounds stupid now. And I just was so angry that you were gone, angry at you. Because I felt like if we had talked, maybe you wouldn't have done it. Maybe I missed something. Maybe I should have noticed some sign." Remus shifted in the bed, rubbed his fingers over the star on his hand compulsively.

"I just, I hated myself for loving you. And I never stopped. Even when I really truly believed that you killed them. I couldn't stop and I wanted to. And then I was alone, and hungry and had no one. And then you were back and I didn't have to hate you anymore, but I did, because you could have come back...I dont know Sirius..."

Sirius grabbed Remus' hand, stopping him from rubbing the scar.

"Go on." He said, but Remus shook his head sadly, "I think I've run out of words."

Sirius laughed, "That's a new one."

Remus looked at Sirius incredulously, "You're trying to tell me that out of the two of us, you think I'm the one that never runs out of things to say?"

Sirius grinned crookedly at him, "Well it was worth a shot."

Sirius was the one to break eye contact this time, "Look, I know I should have come home. I wanted to. I just, Remus...I walked into that ruined fucking house and I knew they'd be dead," Sirius' eyes had started to fill and Remus squeezed his hand, "I knew they would be but in my head I was begging, fucking pleading that they wouldn't be. But...it barely even looked like James. He'd been burned in the fucking house fire and he smelled, god, fuck..."

Remus wanted to tell him to stop talking. Wanted to tell Sirius that he didn't need to hear the details, that he didn't want to. But he didn't. Because Sirius had seen this, had been there and if he had to carry this memory, the least that Remus could do was hear him out. He felt sick, his stomach was churning.

"It smelled like steak for fuck's sake. And he was just laying there, just left there. And I couldn't touch him because...he was all sticky…" here Sirius broke apart, he couldn't go on anymore and Remus was crying too, wrapping his arms around Sirius and pulling him to his chest. He cried into Sirius' hair while rubbing his back. They sat like that for a while, both of them mourning James and Lily, properly this time, together.

"I saw her too, Remus," Sirius choked out after a few minute, "She had tried to protect Harry you could tell and she wasn't burned in the fire just, stone. Cold. And she was never like that you know? Never cold."

Remus nodded as Sirius pulled away from his chest, "I wanted to come home, to tell you. But I had spent the last fucking months before that swearing on everything that you were the fucking spy."

It all made sense to Remus. That's why things had been so tense, that's why they'd both been withdrawn. Suspicion had crept in between them, made a stinking nest in the heartstrings that joined them and begun to sever the strings one by one. Remus understood what it felt like to wonder if he'd been betrayed.

"I just…I hated myself for thinking that it was you. And maybe I could have come home, fucking knocked some sense into myself and nut up and told you the truth. But… it was the _why_ that made it impossible. I just, shit…" Sirius trailed off.

"It's because of the wolf." Remus' heart sank but he wasn't surprised.

"Yeah. Fuck Remus you don't know how much I hate myself for it. You know I've always loved you despite, no not despite it." he paused to gather better words, "It's part of who you are. I always loved all of you."

Remus looked sadly at Sirius. He knew that Sirius still had silent misgivings, there were some prejudices that took a lifetime to undo. He'd faced them before.

"You'd spent all of this time with other werewolves and I wondered like, if maybe they were giving you shit that I couldn't. I know it's complete rubbish but I was scared." Sirius wouldn't meet his eyes now.

"We were all scared Sirius. And trust me, there was nothing appealing about them. It made me _sick_ to be among them. The ones that wanted to turn children, being close to Greyback." Remus shuddered.

"I know. I know and it's fucked up. I don't think about you in the same damn universe as them."

"Not anymore."

"No, not ever."

"Sirius," Remus looked at him unbelieving, "you've just told me that you thought I was the spy because I'm a werewolf."

Sirius leaned his leaned his head back, looking at the ceiling and rubbing his eyes, "I didn't think it was because you were a werewolf really, I thought it was because of the way people treated you for being a werewolf. I mean I know it doesn't seem like much of a difference but I couldn't blame you if you'd, you know, fucking had enough. If you snapped. I've seen the way people treated you and if that were me I'd be bloody infuriated."

"It's a good thing we don't all have that trademark Black temper."

"No but seriously. And then when I realized what happened, I realized I'd been doing the exact same shit that I was afraid turned you in the first place. And so I couldn't come home without trying to fix it all. It's such a mess. I'm so sorry Moons."

Remus sighed heavily, "It was a long time ago."

Sirius noticed that Remus didn't say it was okay. He knew it would take some time for Remus to chew things over.

"For what it's worth," said Remus, "I made a mess of things too. You were right when you said I should have been there for Harry. I wanted to, but I was afraid that I would have just made his life harder. Surely he'd be better off with a family that stayed in one place, that was stable and not turning into a monster every month."

"No," said Sirius bitterly, "they were monsters all the time."

"I know. And I should have made more of an effort. I did try once when I knew I'd be in the same place for a while, Dumbledore didn't want me to know where he was."

Sirius snorted, "He can be a right fucking prick sometimes, yeah?"

Remus nodded, "I had no idea how they were treating him Sirius, you have to believe me. I would have send him to live with Andromeda at the very least if I couldn't take him. I wouldn't have let them hurt him."

"I know Moony. You fucked up, I fucked up. I guess we basically haven't changed since school huh?"

"Well," Remus chuckled, "except that our fuck-ups have gotten progressively bigger. This is a bit more of a mistake than the time we set Avery's hair on fire."

"God I'd forgotten that. Remember how he squealed?"

"Remember how we'd been in detention for two months?"

"Yeah I can still smell the dragon dung we dried for Slughorn's third years. That was one of the worst detentions."

Remus put his hand over Sirius'. Sirius looked down at their clasped hands and then back to Moony questioningly.

"So...erm...are we good?"

"No, Sirius we're not good. I know this is all probably going to come up again. It doesn't just go away immediately, but I don't want to fight. I want to have you back as my best mate again."

Sirius looked disappointed, "I don't know if I can be mates."

"What?" Remus tried to pull his hand away, but Sirius didn't let go.

"I love you Remus Lupin. I fucking love you okay?"

"It's been thirteen years Padfoot, you don't even know me anymore."

"That's even better."

"How the hell could that be better you prat?"

"I get to fall in love with you all over again. To watch you blush, to woo you, to be nervous about whether you like me. All the shit we did at Hogwarts. Now we get to do it all again. It'll be the best adventure yet."

Remus' heart flipped upside down in his chest and he felt momentarily light-headed - Sirius was looking at him with narrowed eyes, a canine smirk on his face. He felt suddenly nervous under the gaze of those predatory eyes. He knew exactly what it meant when Sirius Black looked at him that way.

"Shut up you sap. Just fucking kiss me." Remus said, a bit more confidently than he felt.

Sirius crossed the distance between them in an instant, leaning forward on all fours to capture Remus' lips in a kiss. There was no hesitancy, no worries in the back of their heads about how this intimacy would be received - just aggression and passion as they claimed one another. Remus bit Sirius' upper lip hard, and Sirius opened his mouth to allow Remus to deepen the kiss even more, sliding his tongue against Remus' and leaning in as far as he could. The kiss was hungry and hot - it burned deep, like coals that had been smoldering for hours, sprung up into flame again with the addition of fresh fuel. Remus reached a hand to pull out Sirius' soft dark hair and tangle his fingers in it, tugging Sirius roughly toward him until the other man was straddling Remus, who leaned back against the headboard. Remus thought he might have never seen anything as utterly arousing as Sirius Black straddling his hips, his eyes dark with lust, his upper lip red from where Remus had bitten him. Sirius would probably have a bruise there later, but Sirius had always been a glutton for a certain amount of punishment.

Not letting go of his hair, Remus tugged enough that Sirius let his head fall back, giving Remus access to nip and kiss all of his neck, tracing his teeth and tongue down Sirius' throat and pulling the collar of Sirius' shirt sideways to expose his collarbone. He could feel the muscles there under the skin, taut and wiry, feel the rapid thump of Sirius' pulse in his chest. Sirius moaned, a deep gravely, needy, thing that only made Remus harder and he felt a pull in his chest, something animal, something primal. A need that he had long since buried. There would be no teasing this time, no pulling away, they were both too high on their emotions to do anything but touch every available piece of skin with wandering fingers and desperate mouths.

Sirius broke away from Remus' mouth to pull his shirt over his head in one fluid motion, rocking gently as he did against the bulge in Remus' pajama bottoms. Remus sucked in a breath and Sirius grinned cockily.

"You like that?"

"Do it again." Remus growled and gripped Sirius' exposed hips as Sirius ground down on him. The feeling of their hardness rubbing against one another was just enough pressure and stimulation to frustrate - with Sirius' chest bare Remus could see the muscles of his hips as he rocked, and he ran his hands up from those intoxicating hips over the planes of his stomach and to his strong tattooed chest, then pulled him down for another kiss.

"You are," Remus breathed against Sirius' lips, "So sexy."

Sirius laughed softly, "Tell me something I don't know Moons."

"God, don't you ever shut up?" Remus thrust his hips up harder and Sirius' sassy reply died on his lips, turning into a gasp instead. Sirius leaned forward to tug at the hem of Remus' own tshirt but Remus stopped his hands, covering them with his own.

"It's not a pretty sight…" Remus explained to a confused Sirius, "all those years transforming-"

But Sirius cut him off, kissing him, "I don't care Moony."

"You're sure?"

Sirius tugged softly again, "We've all got scars. Take of your damn shirt and let me kiss your chest."

Remus complied, struggling awkwardly to get out of his shirt without bucking Sirius off his hips. He watched Sirius' face intently once he'd removed it, searching for any fear or disgust. But there was none. Sirius leaned forward to kiss Remus again, wrapping a hand around the back of Remus' neck as he did so and touching their chests to one another. He made no mention of the crisscross of scars that covered Remus' chest, some of them still red and angry looking. Instead Sirius scooted off Remus' hips and moved down his chest, leaving nips and open-mouthed kisses as he went. He reached down and palmed Remus' erection, rubbing it slowly though his bottoms. Remus groaned and thrust his hips into Sirius' hand.

"God, Sirius." Sirius looked up at him mischievously through his hair, then bit Remus' nipple. _Fuck!_ Remus thought, _You cannot come in your pajamas Remus Lupin, you are not 19 anymore_. But Sirius was licking at his nipple and then he was reaching under Remus' waistband and Remus let out a long, low whine as Sirius ran the pad of his thumb along the head of Remus' prick before wandlessly casting a lubricating spell on his hand. Remus was on fire, his belly hurt from the tightness in his abs and he felt like didn't know where he was any longer. Sirius' body heat was intense, he moved to kiss Remus' stomach as he began to stroke him firmly, just slow enough that Remus was writhing and panting. It was if there hadn't been thirteen years since Sirius had touched him. He still remembered every little detail of movement that turned Remus into a mess of nerves and moans.

"I want to suck your cock so badly." Sirius breathed the phrase out heavily and Remus was so overcome that he could barely catch his breath let alone find something cheeky to say. He merely nodded.

And then Sirius was pulling off Remus' pants and wrapping his mouth around Remus and it was blissful, the heat, the wetness, the softness of Sirius' lips as they slid down Remus nearly all the way to the base. Sirius never broke eye contact as he laved his tongue along the underside before swirling it around the head and then sucking his cheeks in. One of Remus' hands fisted the sheets, the other wrapped itself in Sirius hair, probably gouging the back of his head with his nails. He wasn't going to last long, and Sirius must have known because he didn't waste time teasing or showboating for once. Instead, he held Remus' hips down with one hand and wrapped his other hand around the base of Remus' dick, sucking and working his hand without ever breaking eye contact with Remus. Remus' mind went blank as he got close, he stopped breathing entirely, his lungs started to hurt and the world seemed suspended, quieted, as if the volume had been turned down. His eyes rolled back in his head.

Remus tapped Sirius rapidly on the head but that's all the notice Sirius got before Remus came down his throat, grunting so deeply and so loudly that his voice hurt from it after. Sirius didn't raise his head for another few seconds, but continued to suck. Remus' whole body felt limp, like his muscles had ceased to exist entirely. Sirius wiped his mouth and crawled up to kiss Remus, who tasted himself on Sirius' lips and found that he didn't even mind.

A minute or two later Sirius pulled away, "Not too bad eh?"

"Gold star." Remus replied lazily, before he flipped Sirius over onto his back, "Shall I return the favor?"

Sirius grinned and hastily pulled his trousers, his erection was warm and thick in Remus' hand, even bigger than Remus had remembered. Remus reached for his wand and mirrored the charm Sirius had used earlier before stroking and twisting gently while kissing Sirius' neck. He whispered against Sirius while he jerked him slowly. Sirius had always loved it when Remus swore, something about the good boy talking dirty drove him mad. So, with his body pressed up against Sirius' side and both of their eyes on Remus' hand, Remus told him exactly how and how long he'd wanted to touch Sirius again.

"I never stopped fantasizing about you," Remus said, kissing Sirius' jaw gently, "All these years I'd take my cock in my hand at night and stroke myself slowly and remember that time that we fucked the dormitory the last night of school. Do you remember? The first time you topped me?"

Sirius' eyes were wide and he gasped out a "yes" as Remus continued.

"You stretched me out perfectly and bent me over the bed. And you were so big Sirius, it hurt but deliciously so. So, slow, so hot, so perfect inside me, filling me up. And I bet I was tight, hm Sirius?"

Remus sped up and grinned against the side of Sirius' neck. "All these years I've been alone in bed, touching myself nightly, thinking about how you feel inside me, how much I want to be filled up by you again. But no one else would do, I needed you Pads. Promise me you'll fuck me soon. I don't think I could wait."

Sirius choked a bit, his breathing was rapid and his hips had started to lift just slightly with each stroke, "Holy fucking shit Remus, I'm going to-" Sirius came hard on his stomach and Remus' hand bucking up wildly, "Fucking fucking shit."

After, they both lay there panting, Remus smiling and quite proud of himself, kissing Sirius over and over until Sirius laughed and pushed him off.

"You wanker," Sirius laughed, "Don't look so bloody pleased with yourself."

"I'm just saying, you seemed to enjoy yourself."

"You're the first person to touch my prick for twelve years, don't get too ahead of yourself."

"I'm offended Sirius," Remus grinned wolfishly, "see if I do it again."

"Bet you will. Though next time feel free to use your mouth."

"Fuck off dogbreath!"

"Oh I will." Sirius tackled Remus playfully and kissed him deeply, "that's the idea isn't it Moony?"

* * *

Back at Grimmauld Place, Harry looked at the time, smiling. He supposed the fact that Sirius still wasn't back was a good thing.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sorry this chapter took me so long to write. I had to figure out where the story was going to go and I got caught up in all the school work I've been supposed to be doing all semester. In any case, fair warning that it'll probably be a couple weeks until I get to the next chapter of this because seminar papers are due soon, BUT I promise to write some smut into the next chapter as a reward for your patience. As always I own nothing but my own stress. Enjoy the chapter!

"Oh my fucking god." Sirius groaned, running his hands slowly and delicately over the curves of the dark leather seat on the motorbike, stars in his eyes. Remus chuckled to himself softly, if Sirius could love him half as much as he loved that bike...well he knew that would never happen. Nothing came between Sirius and the bike. But he'd take a close second.

"God I was fucking incomplete without you, baby" Sirius was practically purring to the bike.

"Okay, Pads are you talking to the bike now?" This was getting a little ridiculous, Sirius was, at least superficially, a grown man.

Sirius shot him a glare, which was far less effective considering he had his cheek pressed against the side of the motorbike, making him look a bit like an angry chipmunk, "You don't understand the relationship we have."

"Okay, okay," Remus restrained himself from rolling his eyes again or he was going to get a headache from the number of times he had done so in the last hour or so, "Here's the key, she's all yours again."

Remus thought for a moment that Sirius might cry as he took the key from Remus. _I can't believe I'm giving this damn thing back to him. He's a menace_. But Remus couldn't help it. The two of them were meant to be together, and after all, the bike had just been sitting in the storage locker for years, it was better that someone get some enjoyment out of the thing. He'd never understand the appeal but he could also never say no to Sirius. They were planning to go through the rest of the effects they had stored in the storage locker soon, maybe get out Sirius' old records for Harry, but Sirius couldn't wait until then to get the bike back. They were incomplete without one another.

"Come on Moony let's take her back to Grimmauld."

"I don't think we should vanish the bike back to Grimmauld Place Sirius, you could actually crush someone."

But Sirius had a sly smile on his lips. He reached into a small box next to the motorbike and pulled out a two black helmets, one with a pawprint airbrushed on the back, the other with a crescent moon.

"No, no no I don't think so" Remus protested, backing a few steps away, "No one has been on that thing in years, it needs a tuneup at the very least or…"

"Hey we won't know what's wrong with it unless we giver her a spin."

"Oh yeah that's a great way of testing it - with our LIVES."

"What's life without a little risk, eh Moony?" Sirius flashed his canines in a signature smirk.

"You know I hate riding…" Remus ran a hand through his hair, "I'm not a fan."

"Come ON Moons," Sirius pleaded, "she's not going to hurt you and it's been ages. Would I really put you in danger?"

Remus nearly laughed, he could think, actually, of more instances of Sirius putting the both of them in danger than not. He raised his eyebrows and looked at Sirius, his rebel in a leather jacket.

"Okay," Sirius laughed, "Maybe the wrong question to ask, but come on. It's been ages. Live a little."

Remus took the helmet from Sirius and wiped the dust out of the inside before putting it on his head, "I think it's more likely that I'm going to die a little."

But Sirius wasn't listening. He was already happily wheeling the bike out of the storage locker and checking her over like a nervous parent reunited with a child they hadn't seen in some time. Remus almost expected Sirius to start asking the motorbike if it had been eating enough or washing behind its ears. Remus closed and locked the storage shed behind them, praying that there would be something just slightly wrong with the bike after all its years there and that they could apparate home like safe, sane people instead of riding some half-Muggle deathtrap.

But before Remus knew it Sirius had somehow magically got the thing running again - Remus found himself straddling the humming bike and wrapping his arms securely around Sirius' waist.

"We are not flying this thing until you get it looked over, Black." Remus yelled over the sound of the engine, "Don't even fucking think about it. I will never touch you sexually again."

Sirius cracked up laughing, "Touch me sexually?! What?! Who talks like that Moony? You spent too much time as a professor."

Remus knocked him in the stomach, "Shut up! You know exactly what I mean."

Sirius waved this concern away, "Okay okay Moons, I promise no flying. Just relax."

And they were off, the wind rushing around them as Sirius pulled the bike into the street, his heart thundering so hard with excitement that Remus could hear it through the leather jacket covering his chest. Remus closed his eyes and held Sirius a little tighter, pressing his face up against the other man's back. He never liked the bike. Something about the feeling of weight and machinery between his legs, darting between cars, the roar of the exploding engine, was more than he could handle. It wasn't nimble and light with the speed and agility of a broomstick, it was a beast of burning metal and exhaust, liable to burn you or buck you off. And that was how he felt about it on the ground. Flying on the thing was a whole other level of crazy, he felt like the heaviness of the object was absurd. Some things were just not simply supposed to fly.

However, he did like the feeling of being pressed against Sirius' back, the soft worn leather of his jacket against Remus' cheek. He liked the feeling of the hard planes of Sirius' chest under his hands, the sturdiness of the other man's torso under his grip. He could admit, if he had to, that there was something comforting about holding on to Sirius this way, something grounding and calming, something that made trips on the death machine at least a bit bearable.

Sirius whooped as he kicked the bike into a higher gear, speeding forward even faster laughing, "FUCK YES MOONY FEEL THAT?" Remus just nodded against Sirius' back and tried not to think how many minutes it was between Camden and Grimmauld Place. _Don't look at the ground, don't look at the buildings, don't look at the other cars_.

But they made it back to the square without dying and even Remus had to admit that Sirius looked completely and deliciously fuckable letting his hair fall out of the helmet, a pink tinge in his cheeks from the whip of the wind against them. Remus got off the bike first, then leaned over to kiss Sirius deeply.

"Had a good time then?" Sirius teased.

"I rather prefer _looking at_ _you_ on it than being on it myself."

"Is that a double entendre my dear Moons?"

Remus laughed, "Maybe."

They were parked in front of Grimmauld and Sirius was climbing off the bike when the door to the house opened and Harry ran down the front steps with a huge grin on his face, his hair wild and a huge smile on his face.

"Oh my god is that your bike?"

Sirius beamed, "Whose do you think it is pup? Yup, here she is, my firstborn."

"Okay but, when can I have a go?"

Remus rolled his eyes, of course Harry was going to want to get on the death trap, "Harry, Sirius needs to give the bike a once-over, it has been in storage for most of your life."

Sirius put an arm around Harry and steered him towards the house, false-whispering at him "Soon kid. I'm gonna get this fucker tuned up proper and we'll give it a go. Maybe even fly it on holiday over the summer."

Remus trailed after the other two shaking his head and spelling the bike to follow them back to the house. He had a feeling that no matter his protests, his godson would have his own helmet come summer. No doubt the two of them would do exactly what they wanted to do, just as James and Sirius had done. But that was alright, Remus was used to being outnumbered. Sirius opened the door to the house and just before they went into the house Harry looked back at Remus and then at Sirius.

"You two back together now? All done fighting about nothing?" he sassed them, before entering the hallway triumphantly.

Remus' retort was lost as they entered the house, as Mrs. Black was unfortunately still stuck to the wall and so they had to be quiet as they walked slowly past her. Remus had a feeling that Harry had timed this cheeky comment exactly for this reason so that neither of his godfathers could give a quick response, but the need for silence didn't stop Sirius from giving Harry a smart smack to the back of the head.

* * *

The next day the three of them cleaned out the storage locker out, and put the Camden flat mostly back together. Remus had decided to stay there for a bit while he and Sirius sorted things out and 'got to know each other again'. Sirius made it known through various long sighs and huffs that he wasn't particularly happy about this arrangement, but as they would spend pretty much everyday with each other at one house or the other he gave up this act after less time than would be normal. Perhaps he realized that Remus was going to need a bit of space, even if it ended up being mostly symbolic.

Harry and Sirius spent the last few days of holiday going through all of Sirius' old records, laughing at the music that the Marauders used to listen to. Harry might not have shared Sirius' love of punk music to the extent that Sirius hoped, but he did learn some mean air-guitar moves, and Remus almost broke a rib laughing at the two of them rocketing around the living room and jumping from the furniture. And Remus wasn't merely a spectator, he and Sirius had left Harry speechless with embarrassment when they performed their lip-synced performance of Bowie's 'Starman' (which of course Sirius had taken as a personal anthem back in their younger days).

They cooked together too, giving Kreacher a few nights off in the last week or so that Harry had off from Hogwarts. Harry was a startlingly good cook, having learned a lot from cooking from the Dursleys for all those years. But Remus took great pleasure in teaching Harry that cooking didn't have to be a chore, teaching him to be creative in his recipes and encouraging him to experiment. Sirius, of course, was all too happy to watch and be the guinea pig who chowed down on the fruits of their labor.

Another day Harry had the bright idea to take Padfoot to a Muggle dog park, where he and Remus earned an incredible amount of respect from the other dog owners when they showed a crowd how Padfoot could not just sit and roll over but respond to highly specific instructions and do math problems by barking out the answer. Padfoot basked in all the attention and Harry tried, mostly successfully, to stop himself from completely dissolving into laughter.

When they went to drop Harry off at the train, they did that together too. Sirius had his arm around Remus' waist as he clapped Harry on the shoulder and told him to make sure he got into some trouble this semester.

"I think everyone will be too focused on the last task of the tournament."

"Exactly," Sirius smirked, "So you'll be able to get away with more."

Remus broke away from Sirius and hugged Harry, "Just be smart about it okay? We're really going to miss you."

Harry laughed, "Don't worry, I've got Hermione on my side. Smartest witch of her age, remember?"

"Thank god for that. Someone has to look after you."

"I'll say," Hermione walked up to them, quickly taking in the way that Sirius leaned just a bit towards Remus, she raised her eyebrows, "It looks like we have a lot to catch up on Harry."

* * *

Once Harry was safely back at Hogwarts, Sirius and Remus quickly fell into a routine of lazy mornings and long afternoons in bed. As hesitant as Remus was to live off Sirius' inheritance, he had to admit that there was something appealing about laying around all day. London was a different place with Sirius back in it, it was warmer and brighter (even when the sky was heavy with drizzle). It had been years since Remus was so happy.

They spent each night with one another, either at the Camden flat or at Grimmauld, rediscovering each others' bodies and resurfacing the years of pain, of heartache, of uncertainty with soft words and hot breaths. Remus learned every inch of Sirius' skin, ran his hands hand lips across the crooks of his elbows, the crease between his eyes, the soft skin at the base of his neck. Sirius traced the crooked pathways of Remus' scars, learned the places that tickled, and the places that made Remus gasp. And as they reacquainted themselves with each other's bodies, they reacquainted themselves with each others' hearts. Things would never be the same as before, they weren't the same people. They were worn in places they hadn't been worn before, they had seen things that had changed them. But slowly, cautiously, they began to realize that maybe that was okay. Maybe their scars, inside or out, had strengthened the threads that stretched between them.

So the days easily stretched into weeks, Remus got a job at a nearby Muggle bookstore just to keep himself busy. Sirius still argued that after twelve years in prison he deserved a few restful years and so he spent most of his time hanging around the bookstore bothering Remus, or else working on his bike at the house. Every night they wrote to Harry together. They spent the full moons running the countryside, Padfoot keeping the wolf in check as they explored various deserted and rugged landscapes. Remus' transformations hadn't been this easy since he was at Hogwarts. He woke with little pain and he hadn't had one new scar since Padfoot had been looking out for him. They may have lost a few rabbits along the way but at least Moony largely ignored the deer. Sirius and he wondered aloud if the werewolf did this out of respect and remembrance for Prongs.

When the time came for the last challenge in the Triwizard Tournament, Harry even invited both of them to come watch and cheer on Cedric. They got decked out in their Hogwarts gear and spent an evening under the stars and the flickering lights of the castle watching the champions race to the center of the maze with Harry, Ron and Hermione while simultaneously stuffing their faces with as much caramel popcorn and Chocolate Frogs as they could eat. The crowd was electric, full of children and parents alike from all three schools, chattering away in their native languages, playing music, waving banners. Sirius had complained loudly on the way to the event that he couldn't see why they weren't also doing quidditch this year, but Remus assured him that next year they would be there watching Harry play, and this time Sirius would be sitting in the stands instead of crouching on the ground in the rain as a thoroughly soaked Padfoot.

Harry was overjoyed to see them, his face painted, like many of the other students, with a large Hogwarts 'H'. Remus teased him gently that Harry had to be pretty self-absorbed to paint his own initial on his face when they were supposed to be cheering for Cedric - a joke which Ron jovially joined in on for the duration of the night. When Cedric had hoisted the cup, they shouted themselves hoarse with the kids before the Gryffindors (led by Fred and George who had nicked a huge amount of snacks and booze, Remus looked the other way at this) decided to head back to the tower for an after party. Harry hung back, Ron and Hermione pushing him towards his godfathers. Remus shared a confused look with Sirius, who shrugged.

"Harry," Hermione said pointedly to them, "had something he wanted to ask you."

"Hermione!" Harry kicked a rock on the ground as Fred yelled at them to hurry up or they'd miss the beginning of the party.

"I'm assuming you're not asking us to come drink stolen Firewhiskey in Gryffindor?" Sirius smirked at Harry.

"Go on and ask them Harry."

"Well, I didn't want to make the two of you row again but I still really want to be an animagus."

Remus sighed but smiled. He knew that Hermione could probably figure out the process on her own and there was very little they could do to stop the kids if they were fixated on the idea. He looked over at Sirius who was looking back at him cautiously.

"Okay. But if you're learning you have to get registered. And your godfather too." Remus looked pointedly at Sirius, who shrugged.

"What about Hermione and I?" Ron added quickly looking hopeful, "We can't let Harry have all the fun."

Sirius laughed, "Your mom would literally kill me Ron. But if your parents said it was alright then maybe? And get that in writing too, don't think I'm just going to take your word for it Ron, you know I'm smarter than that."

Ron smiled but also looked slightly defeated.

"We'll get started in the summer Harry, it's a long process and there's no guarantee that you'll even be able to achieve your form over the summer. Some witches and wizards have an aptitude and for others it's immensely difficult."

"Don't worry," Hermione smiled, "we like a challenge."

When they arrived back at Grimmauld, where they were staying for the night, Sirius looked fondly at Remus as Remus unwrapped his Gryffindor scarf.

"Haven't seen you in that for a long time." Sirius closed the gap between them in a few steps and kissed Remus softly, "It looks good on you."

Remus kissed him back, breathing deeply and letting the smell of Sirius' leathery cologne wash over him, "It seems like a long time ago that we were the kids wearing those scarves to class everyday."

Sirius grinned, "And now we've got a kid of our own in the stands instead."

"He's a good kid, no thanks to you. He's looking more and more like James every moment."

"I can't believe I'm going to be teaching teenagers to become animagi. If McGonagall knew she would have my head."

"She'd have both of our heads."

"Well of course," Sirius said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "we're in this together now, like it or not."

Remus smiled at him fondly, running the tips of his fingers through Sirius' long hair, "You're a pretty good dad you know that? James would be shocked."

"Don't be ridiculous," Sirius scoffed, an arm around Remus' waist pulling him closer, "James knew _we_ would be good parents."

Remus wondered, as he leaned into another of Sirius' deep and heart-stopping kisses, how it is that he found himself a family after all these years alone. So many years he had spent thinking that his existence was predetermined - he'd been resigned, even willing to accept his fate as a, well, lone wolf. A monster that needed to protect others from himself. He saw himself as a danger, and if he were honest, it wasn't just because of the wolf. It was because he was sure that if someone saw him, really saw him, then it would hurt so much more to lose them. He'd already lost so much.

But things were different now. In typical Sirius fashion, 'no' hadn't been good enough, and Harry was too much like James - he also knew exactly how to break down the walls that Remus had built. He couldn't ignore them and he found that he didn't want to. There was nothing more he wanted than to provide some stability for these two people who mattered most to him. They deserved that much, after so many years of struggle, and perhaps...perhaps he deserved it too. Sure, it may have been a weird, over-the-top family consisting of a ex-con and the Boy Who Lived but it was his family, and they loved one another. What more could he possibly want but this?


End file.
